Despite the fact that Wired itself is way beyond tired and is sinking into a cesspit of its own irrelevance, it occasionally manages to point of some of the true gems of the cyberconnected world in which some of us live, play, thrive, survive and point and laugh.

Enter Tenga.

This is a Japanese firm that has decided that, apparently, what God or Darwin's dice gave you men is not good enough. It's also too much effort, as we guys all know, to run out and find a handy partner whenever we feel the urge, unless we're some kind of professional freakazoidathonical machine. There is a solution, though, and all it costs is money, brothers.

It's called the onacup, which stands for...well, I'll let you guess. Why can't I work for a company where I can proudly say our ad copy reads like a cross between gearhead magazines and professional fluffer handbooks? From the company's 'concept page', comments mine:

The future of masturbation is here, now!

Do you remember your best-ever masturbation experience? (no, I prefer my mechanistic urge satisfaction experiences to blend. Plus, I'm usually thinking about something other than the process at, er, hand.) Have you ever told someone else how fantastic it felt? (Yes, once, in early kindergarten, when we were discovering that if you lay flat on the plastic Big Wheel it was a WHOLE DIFFERENT EXPERIENCE. That got me sent home.) Not just as a joke, but because it was a truly remarkable sensation? (If it wasn't, why on earth would I do something that makes me look like an epileptic duckfeeder on a regular basis?) Sexual issues of this kind have long been regarded as something "shady." And, so have adult products.

We appreciate that some people have an image of adult goods being dubious, nasty or worse. (Dubious? MMMyeah. Nasty? Before or after use? Worse? Ye gods and little fishes. Who are you talking to, Jesuits?) That's why TENGA has come to the party. (Woohoo! Party favors?!) TENGA is here to revolutionize the realm of adult goods. TENGA is here to transform "sex" into an open, up-front experience that anybody can enjoy. (Wait, I thought we were talking about masturbation. Isn't 'open and up-front' counterproductive unless you're an exhibitionist, in which case the need for technology seems minimal since it just obstructs?) Committed to realizing such grand dreams and ambitions (grand dreams! Woo! Wanking for all on the high street with HIGH TECH HELP!) we have created a range of revolutionary products. Introducing the five ONACUPS (onanism cups) designed to bring you never-before-experienced sensual sensations.

Good golly, Miss Molly, I want a job here. This copy is available on their website (finding it is left as an exercise for the reader, or rather, as an exercise for the reader's other hand. I should mention that this text is flowed to the left of a most attractive female derriere, quite bare save for some suggestive red striping that appears to resemble crepe paper or maybe candycane flavor bars. Mmmm. Candy.

The true brilliance of the webpage, however, is at the top level. This is perhaps the best use of Flash for advertising purposes I've ever seen, and the best use of the rollover effect as well. The page contains five diagrams populated by those exact same generic 'person' icons you see on every airline safety diagram - not the emergency procedure cards, but the stencilled icons directing you how to sit on the john without being sucked ass-first out into space (seated Person Icon flushing toilet with the ubiqitous and language-transcendant circle-and-slash). These Person Icons are engaged in sexual congress, which is by itself loads of fun since it makes a huge change from their usual employment of being blown up, burnt, run over, dismembered, shot, electrocuted, drowned, poisoned, crushed or otherwise killed until dead for demonstrative safety purposes. Ever wondered where all the new little icon people come from? TENGA will show you.

Roll over them, though. As you roll over each icon, it will change to a picture of the TENGA ONACUP that is designed to produce the sensation of that particular sexual position - for the male.

Now...I don't know what these things cost, but they're intended for a single use, and look damn high tech ("lotion reservoirs" and the like) so they can't be cheap.

This seems a bit over the top. I mean, really. Men, at the genital level, are fairly binary creatures. Either we're gonna get it going, or not. There are many ways to manipulate the member via flesh or plastic or silicone or what-have-you that will increase/decrease the chances, yes. However, given that the ONACUP is a small piece of plastic some few inches across and roughly egg-shaped (heh) it seems a bit much to ask it to simulate the wonders of the various orifices of the human body and positioning without, you know, a body to grip/grab/move/rock/roll.

But, by damn, TENGA is betting that you're willing to pay a premium to have an Onanism Cup with TWO ENDS!

The “Bitter Side” firmly tightens while the “Sweet Side” gently clings to your penis. Normal use is one side at a time. But, using both sides simultaneously transports you to the virtual world of a “threesome”.

Er, really? Two holes simultaneously? Hey Claire, ever see a picture of a guy...never mind.

And finally, one of my most private and self-satisfying moments is ripped cruelly from me by marketing.

You heard it here first, men. Hands are ob-so-fucking-lete. And remember, this is an international industry, too.

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