1. Four pairs of scrunchie socks must be worn under joggies rolled up to masquerade as cropped trousers.
  2. Hair must be so tightly scraped back from face so that one cannot blink. One also must slather the hair in various flammable hair products for that solid look.
  3. A plethora of neon baubles must adorn the hair tied into a large bun at the base of the neck. Seven or more is standard. Coloured hair mascara in a coordinated shade to the tick on your trainers can be used on special occasions, like the birth of your pal's child.
  4. You must chew gum like a cow possessed by a goat.
  5. You must yell like a harpy at every man that walks by, and growl like the hound that you are at every respectable female in the vicinity. Either way, make a public nuisance of yourself.
  6. You must carry a small child at all times, preferably your own.
  7. You must wear more gold around your neck than a Mr. T convention. If it damages your posture, all the better. Neds have crooked spines; that is the way of the ned.
  8. You must brag about the number of sexual acts you have performed, on the climbing frame in the local park. If it is less than ten per Friday night, you must take action to boost your "Kappa Slapper" status.
  9. You must shoplift from Top Shop.
  10. You must drink cheap cider, and Watermelon Breezers. On the special occasions cited above, you may splash out on a quarter bottle of vodka.

-- Anon.

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