Awright, lookit: This is not intellectual, it is just raunchy and freaky. Be that as it may, it's a look into other cultures and will do you good.

The other day, my professor gave me a book of Native American legends. Some of them are primitive, some of them are on par with Classical mythology -- and some of them are downright bizarre. If anything could make me gay, this story could do it.

Coyote had wandered the countryside for many years, and met many weird and interesting people. But the wandering life is hard, and Coyote was lonely.

One day, Coyote was eating supper with a man he had met on his travels. "I'm leaving tomorrow, headin' west," Coyote explained. "Do you know what the land is like?"

"If you're going west, be careful," the man said. "There's a hut about a day's walk away, and there are two very beautiful women there who live with their mother. Man, they're really hot, but fellas have been going there for years to make them their wives and they never come back."

Of course, Coyote being Coyote, all he heard was "beautiful women, man they're really hot." So the next morning he thanked his friend and set off for the west. He walked for the whole morning, and then the whole afternoon, and eventually he found an old hut. In front of the hut sat an old woman, cooking something in a pot.

"Hello, sonny!" the old woman said cheerfully. "You look exhausted, and hungry! Why don't you stay here and eat supper!"

At the sound of the woman's voice, two young women exited the hut. They were both stunningly beautiful, with long, dark hair, slender limbs and bright, dark eyes.

Coyote decided to stay.

The meal the old woman was cooking when Coyote arrived was the most delicious he had ever eaten. Then again, maybe it was the company. Beauty is intoxicating, but tonight it was a digestif. The older of the two sisters was very bright, and an excellent conversationalist. The younger sister watched Coyote quietly and coyly throughout the evening.

After dinner, the four shared a pipe of tobacco. Eventually the old woman said, "It's getting cold, Coyote, and you'll catch a chill. Why don't you sleep between my two daughters? They'll keep you warm."

Coyote accepted the invitation graciously.

The kindly crone slept in another room, and Coyote lay in the darkness between the two beauties, waiting for something to happen. Then, quietly and subtlely, the younger sister leaned over and whispered in Coyote's ear: "Whatever you do, Coyote, don't make love to us."

"Why?" Coyote asked.

"The old woman is a witch," the girl explained. "I'm not really her daughter; I'm the daughter of a powerful chief that the witch and her real daughter, the other girl, killed. She keeps me as a trophy. I'm supposed to try to seduce you, but I have a curse and you'll die if you sleep with either of us."

"What kind of curse?" Coyote asked.

Do you hear that sound?" the girl replied.

Coyote listened for a moment. He heard a sound like bones scraping together. "Yes," he said.

"That's the sound of teeth in my vagina. The old witch put them there so that any man who tried to couple with me would be chewed to shreds. The old witch loves blood and cruelty, and she gets off on the fact that I can never be with a man."

"Thank you," Coyote said.

A little while later the other sister rolled over and whispered to Coyote, "Wanna have some fun? Come on, get on top of me! Let's be quiet about it!"

Coyote could hear the young woman's vagina chomping furiously. Thinking quickly, he whispered back, "Okay, but I have to get up for a minute. I have to get my pants off."

"Well hurry up!" the witch's daughter huffed impatiently. "I really want it and I want it right now!"

Coyote sneaked out to where the last embers of the fire were slowly going out. He picked up a big, hefty stick, still warm though unconsumed, and rushed back to the bed. He eased the stick into the girl.

"Oh yes!" the young woman moaned as she writhed with pleasure, her nether regions crunching the stick to splinters which flew everywhere. "Finally, a real man! Harder!"

The stick was chewed to nothing, and frightened, Coyote grabbed his quiver and plunged an arrow deep into the young woman's Venusian trap. Coyote almost lost a finger doing it, but the head pierced the girl's heart and she died.

Hearing the commotion, the old witch rushed into the room with a knife. She hissed at Coyote and attacked him, but he subdued her and killed her with another arrow.

The younger girl was elated. "Oh, thank you so much, Coyote!" she gushed. "Now I'm free at last to go back to my people."

"I want to marry you," Coyote said.

"There's a little problem with that," the girl answered. "I still have the curse."

"Well," said Coyote, "I'm just gonna have to knock your teeth out -- and not the ones in your head!"

And that's what he did, but he left one small molar that was quite thrilling during lovemaking.

And the two lived happily ever after.

Cletus the Foetus shudders.