I knew a girl once when I was younger, I had thought then that she was the prettiest girl I would ever see, until I saw a woman 13 years later. Her beauty wasn’t transitory like you will find in a magazine ad or how you would see it on television, she had a natural beauty that ran deep like the roots of a redwood tree, a beauty that you could touch, a beauty like growing flower. It was as though she herself contained the qualities that made waterfalls and sunsets so breathtaking.
She was so beautiful that I had to look away.
Seeing her face again brought feelings that I had thought I had come to terms with long ago or at least buried deep enough that I would only see them again when I died. They hit me in the gut and I knew that there was no way I would be able to circumvent them this time. I rather wish now that I had not looked for her, that she remained a mystery and remained to me 19 years old.
Even though I hadn’t even seen or heard from her for over eleven years, in the springtime the warm days with a cool breezes would remind me of her and each time small, odd memories that I had forgotten would hijack my current thoughts and I would be teleported back to Laguna Beach Ca. circa 1994. I would miss the high school I hated, the people I barely knew, the smell of the arcades and Mortal Kombat 2. It seems that only Paul Simon can make loneliness appear desirable or glamorous.
It doesn't help that I still have all of our old photos. Although I don’t torture myself with them, I stumble upon them every now and then and wish for a time machine, damn you H.G. Wells for not mating with Leonardo Da Vinci. I've tried to throw them away, well no I thought about it once or twice. We know that’s not going to happen, I'll be buried with them. I did however through some strange, unprecedented flourish of closure toss the ticket stub from the M.D.C. concert where we first started talking, I was so excited then; I took care of the black eye she got from the mosh pit.
Was it because she was my first love? Was it because she was my first broken heart? It's apparent that I have not "gotten over" her. Is it pathetic? I have so many things that I want to talk to her about. Movies, pop culture and world events that we "should have" experienced together. I missed her in the past 13 years of my life. I used to own a small black B.M.W. with a sunroof, my first car. I longed to look to the left and see her hair in the breeze as we drive through Hwy. 74 singing along to Mother and child reunion. I rolled that car over on July 4th 1997 in Trabuco canyon. Non-sequitur I know. Am I out of my mind? Should I feel like this? Do other people experience this?
Looking back, I realize that many of the songs that I have recorded were written with her in mind, though I didn’t know it then it's obvious to me now. Do I tell her that? How do you, or do you tell someone that you wish that all the laughs, smiles, photographs, every moment of the last 13 years, all those moments with every other girlfriend… I wish that I had spent them with her.
I have missed my friend deeply.
She is very successful now and she's out of my league, I suppose that she always was. I'm just an ordinary guy. I empathize with Roy Batty; I feel that all those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain.