I was told by a shrink that at 25, knowing 5 people who've committed suicide is not normal & that at this age, a group of friends should not have a death rate. I'd never thought of it that way, but I tend to agree.

I've been part of the Detroit gothic/industrial scene for more than 10 years now & most of what I've gotten out of it is knowing 5 people who've killed themselves (1 used a gun, the other 4 hung themselves), more drama than I could ever document, & now I'm a recovering alcoholic (the good part is that it's been more than a year since I last drank).

When I was a teenager, I had fun hanging out at clubs such as The Labyrinth, & Leland City Club. These are the 2 goth/industrial clubs in Detroit. Both are located at The Ramada Inn in Cass Corridor. They play mostly Gothic and Industrial with a smattering of techno, hardcore and 80's. Everyone pretty much is into drugs (ecstacy, cocaine, & weed are the most popular) &/or alcohol on a major level & there's always a "who's sleeping with who" scandal. When I was younger I could just hit the dancefloor & ignore everyone, dancing out my frustrations. As I got older, I realized that we were all staying teenagers! No one was progressing past the drink/drug/sex lifestyle. No one wanted to grow up! People started dying. One said in her note, "I can't bear to grow up," another said, "I can't live without my cheating girlfriend," the others said a combination of the two.

I began to pay attention to the music more & realized that when I listened to that negative goth music, I felt so much despair that following my friends to the end of a noose (orange extension cord, clothes line, ceiling fan pull cord) not only made sense, but felt GOOD! It became almost a quest finding a reason to make myself die, I'd even picked out a place.

Luckily I discovered that no one/nothing is worth taking my life over (there're a few people I'd take a bullet for, but not by my own hand). Dropping out of the Detroit scene thus eliminating the drama, has virtually cured my depression.

Once in awhile I hear about some childish stuff going on ("he said, she said, he said..."), & after the initial feelings of a pending anxiety attack goes away, I laugh & praise myself for getting away before I became the next casualty of the "gothic" way of life.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.

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