So one day, I'm out golfing I hit my ball into a sand trap. It goes klunk and I go down to find out what made the noise. Lo and behold, there's a grimy brass lamp in the sand. I take it home for a polish, and out pops a djinn. It offers me the usual deal: three wishes, then it's gone forever. Now, I'm a lawyer--a damn good lawyer--so I know when there's hidden strings attatched.

My first wish: a list of all the rules that apply to the wishes the djinn can grant. Grinning, I made my second wish: to know where and how to find all human-friendly, wish-granting djinn. Laughing, I make my third: complete and total mastery over all aforementioned metaphysical entities, in perpetuity.

That was twenty years ago. Now, I'm president and CEO of the biggest Fortune 500 company you've never heard of. We sell wishes. Just call our discrete hotline (which takes your calls 24/7, 365 days a year) to talk to one of our dedicated, professional wish consultants. Don't be fooled--we're not cheap, but we get results.

We cast down the Berlin Wall and the World Trade Center. We found Hussein and bin Laden. Remember how the Y2K scare didn't amount to anything? Or how swine flu didn't completely destroy the world? You're welcome. We gave Timberlake his career back, and took Gibson's away from him. We kept al-Qaeda from finding the Ark of the Covenant. The Martians found a new home thanks to us. We are the kingmakers and godslayers. We are the dreamers, and the doers. We are the best damn lawyers, publicists, personal trainers, matchmakers, investment advisors, bodyguards, nursemaids, doctors, assasins, and miracle-workers in the business.

If you need us. you'll find us. Just give us a call...

 

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