It's a kind of, uh, beyond description
thing. She uh, made me feel as if, well, she was the only one who could make me insert grunts and ums
into everything I said
. The emotional warmth of her presence
encouraged me to push a humble 'like"
into every sentence. When she smiled
, everything seemed like it was going to be alright.
She had these fine hairs on the back of her neck, that always flitted up and away, like a train on wedding dress, dancing behind her as she walked away. She was that kind of sweet, entrancing beauty that we all remember with a fond chuckle. I feel like I was a puppy, really, back at 14, eager to please but immature in everything but childish, adolescent slobbering. It seems to me that they never know how much we love them: how special they are; what their smile makes us feel like, deep down. She'll probably never know how I felt, what our little tidbits of conversation meant to me.
She had that magic of presence, that, when she looked at me, her eyes made me feel as if I was important, that it didnt matter what I was saying, because it was me She stated everything with a careful affection for everyone, and I wanted all her sweetness for myself. She wore pajamas every other day to school, and loved Winnie the Pooh and Rainbow Brite and The Smurfs. They all seemed incrdibly trite, until she liked them
Somedays, I still dream of her smile, cutting down my defenses; my palms sweat and I am at a loss for words. The worry is cloying in my throat; I feel like now, so much later, I should just be able to tell her, to speak to her all the words that I never let her hear.
But I am wrong. She stares at me, as if she understands everything, with that sweet ignorant compassion that always cut so deeply. And then I wake up, hands clutched tightly against my chest.
She was very beautiful, y'know?
It doesn't make me any happier to hear that, now years later, she has short dyed hair
, and a tongue ring
, or that she smokes a pack a day
. Nor that she's working at a crappy job she hates
, because she dropped out of school
. Apparently this is who she is now
. I don't think my words would mean anything anymore