Given our inability to resolve outstanding disagreements, we hereby serve notice we are going on a sex strike
, effective immediately.
Our intent is to reduce your production of high quality orgasms as a means of hastening resolution of known issues that have led to relationship impasse. While we regret this decision, the inability of both parties to make progress at the bargaining table compels us to take this drastic step.
Consequently, until the dispute is resolved, we will no longer provide you with any of the following services:
However, we will continue to deliver the following relationship maintenance services during this period of dispute as signs of our good faith and intent:
The aforementioned notwithstanding, we offer to resume regular production activities on the following days, even if an agreement has not been concluded:
Naturally, we deplore any attempt by you to use scab labour to achieve usual production targets. However, we understand and accept that you may wish to fulfill minimal essential production using your own management resources. Please understand that we will not seek alternate employment during the strike.
Grievances prompting this dispute are well known to both parties. In the case of talks about our relationship, we propose that the incidence of such discussions be limited to no more than one (1) intense, emotionally-wrenching, eye-watering conversation every two weeks.
We also expect that negotiations will be conducted privately. Any reference to outside media will be interpreted by us as bargaining in bad faith.