Fly, my monkeys, fly!

The Scorched Earth Party was founded in the early nineties by notoriously poor speller Jeff Vogel (who, amazingly enough, has already been noded). Founded to reshape American politics, it is dedicated to four basic principles:

  • that the concept of "life is sacred" is the best joke we've heard this year.
  • that nothing satisfies like clubbing some moron to death with a lead pipe.
  • that you can never get laid enough.
  • that the world will continue to deteriorate until 90% of its population is eliminated.
Vogel's political musings, posted in talk.bizarre and alt.politics.scorched-earth, focus primarily on the use of the lead pipe - it's sort of the main tenet of the party. Party members are encouraged to beat others to death when mildly irritated. Those who are worthy may be spared to become concubines in the new regime. Mindless violence and joyless sex are the order of the day. And if you don't like it, Vogel suggests that you club him with a lead pipe - it's this sort of thing that keeps the party fresh and invigorating, moving ever-closer to their dream of the First American Empire.

But yet, inexplicably, Shelly Long walks the Earth still, spewing bile and horror.

The Scorched Earth Party has a published list of official enemies, including Jim Carrey, Oceania, and The Spot. Among other assumed enemies are Dan Rather, John Hughes, Canada, Margaret Cho, and people who hum songs by The Carpenters. There are also several lengthy treatise on the need for the utter destruction of Fruitopia. Listed as temporary allies are United States Postal Service, Tonya Harding, the RAND Corporation and the 'nutty Mentos kids'.

I will avoid the obvious digression that breaking pasta in half is good because it so closely mimics the motions of masturbation.

In the Scorched Earth Party's quest to provide endless sexual pleasure for its leader, Vogel suggests the installation of genetic enhancements among the populace. Among these include reducing the refractory period to five seconds, developing emergency back-up vaginas, and symbiotic microscopic robots that hunt down sperm (and occasionally "climb up the urethra into the testicles, and boy, then the fun REALLY STARTS!").

On Tuesdays, liquid nitrogen would be poured into their viscera through a narrow tube.

Lest you think that the Scorched Earth Parry is considered a complete joke (which it should be), it's particularly noteworthy that one of their ideas, namely building a giant wall around the U.S. to keep foreigners out, was adopted by presidential candidate Pat Buchanan in the latest election. While it's doubtful that Buchanan stole his idea from the self-proclaimed creator of alt.swedish-chef.bork.bork.bork, one wonders just where the hell he gets his ideas from.

Because Rights are a Privelege, not a Right.

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