(or at least, a movie food fight - movies are real, aren't they?)

To the uninitiated, a food fight is simply a lot of people throwing food at each other - this is not so. A food fight needs planning, and there are certain rules that must be followed if it is to go well. Read, digest, learn:

  • The meal must start normally - don't just launch into the food fight willy nilly. There must be a valid reason to start the fight, an argument or some other difficulty that cannot be resolved in any normal way.
  • Once the decision has been made, carefully pick up an item of food. Look your target in the eye. They must shake their head at you - you wouldn't dare. Would you? Throw the food item at them. Ideally, it should land on their head, and either slowly trickle down their face, or just perch there. It is VITAL at this stage to pause. Everyone must stare in shock. This is unthinkable. After a decent interval, the victim should then carefully throw something back at you. Preferably cream-based. Part of this should bounce off you and hit someone else.
  • Another pause.
  • Food fight! Now's the time. Everyone pitches in, and starts throwing food around wildly. You should, ahead of time, have prepared a large table full of custard or cream pies.
  • Everyone gets filthy, except for one person. This person should carry on eating their meal as if nothing unusual is happening. They will magically remain untouched by any food until the very end of the food fight, at which point they will stand up, and suddenly get pelted by everyone in the room.
  • If at all possible, a grape or a small tomato must land in a large woman's cleavage.
  • An angry chef with a big comedy moustache must keep coming into the room, and shouting at everyone to stop. Every time he does, he gets a custard/cream pie in the face. The plate will fall away, and he will wipe the cream or custard away from his eyes, slowly.
  • The same chef, or possibly a different one - I'm not fussy, as long as he also has a big comedy moustache - must try valiantly to protect a huge, ornate 5-tiered cake. He must succeed in this, until the end of the food fight, at which point it either collapses, or he falls face first into it, or both.
  • The fight should end on (a) the chef falling into the cake (see above), (b) the untouchable person getting pelted (see also above), or (c) everyone getting arrested. If (c), then the head police officer should run in and either slip in the food and fall over, or get a big pie in the face.
  • At the start of the fight, you should all be very angry, but as it progresses, you must realise the absurdity of the situation, and start laughing together. Peace, harmony, and love - food fight be thy name. Thank you.

Examples of great food fights:

The Great Race (1965), starring Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis. The best movie food fight ever, no question. Also a very funny, silly film.

Animal House (1978). A classic. One of the best, even though it breaks all the above rules, or perhaps because of it.

The video for "Sing", by Travis. Miserable song, but a superbly executed food fight, with all of the above rules followed to the letter.

Battle of the Century (1927). Laurel and Hardy? In a pie fight? Whatever next?

Behind the Screen (1916). Charlie Chaplin and some pies. You can't go wrong.

Tiswas (UK Saturday morning TV show). Not so much for food fights, but for their insistence on sticking a custard pie in the face of everyone on the show, every week. Class.

http://www.bitstorm.org/gates/ - it's one man, one victim, but it's always, always funny to watch Bill Gates get pied.

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