Rejoice, Catholics, this discovery will amaze and surprise you! Not just an approved male contraceptive, but a protection of virginity!
"…sexual pleasure within marriage becomes unnatural, and even harmful to the spouses, when it is used in a way that deliberately excludes the basic purpose of sex, which is procreation. God’s gift of the sex act, along with its pleasure and intimacy, must not be abused by deliberately frustrating its natural end—procreation."
—Catholic.com
The Roman Catholic Church has famously long held the view that sex exists solely for the purpose of procreation, a view once formally held by all mainstream churches. For this reason contraception fter years of scientific pressure and a great deal of back-and-forth, the Church has finally acknowledged that the simple aspirin may be used by married couples to reduce (but not totally prevent pregnancy as a result of sexual relations.
The research began during the 1970s in Berkeley, California (where else‽) by a few dedicated devoted undergraduates associated with Spiritual Research at Newman Hall, one of whom discovered that an aspirin clasped firmly between her thighs, was almost guaranteed to prevent penetration, thus protecting her chastity. Further research led to the discovery that the same aspirin (or indeed, pill of any size!), when slipped into the shoe of a man would make him limp. With some creative manipulation, the group discovered that coitus was still possible, however, even if it ended with Catholic Roulette. Finally, they published the results of their experimentation, which caught the attention of a local bishop who passed it up the ranks to the Holy See, whence issued a Papal Bull allowing this method to be used by the faithful.
Responses have been varied, some Church leaders (and most parishioners) being in favour, but with a highly vocal minority clamouring against the proclamation. Protestant leaders are likewise sceptical, most being opposed to anything that enables people to get even mildly sexy without consequence. Dan Krause, spokesman and chief executive of United Methodist Communications, stated that "this is a slipperly slope indeed. This is the thin end of the wedge that will separate Christians from restraint and self-control. It can only lead to dancing."
Wanda Ayala, spokeswoman for Spiritual Research at Newman Hall, one of the authors of the paper, spoke to the Huffington Post, applauding the decision, saying "Catholics everywhere should rejoice, and thank God that common sense and humanity are finally overcoming dogma and tradition. This can only be good for Catholics around the world."
All this for a shabby dad joke and LieQuest 2024: A Lie Quest of Mythologically Discordian Proportions
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