Last night I went to the Woman's Center in our small town for the first time and learned about The Feminine Spirit. I've been meaning to go there for a while. They have Nia classes and yoga and some other woowoo stuff. A woman high up on the Nia food chain was going to be there and it was the start of a whoop-em-up woman's weekend. Haven't done Nia before, but they were having music and some sort of talk by her and exercise/dance. I paid my $25 'cause I am sick of work.

I happened to talk to our Local Shrink the day before and told him about it. He loves to dance. Men got in to the evening thing free if they registered before noon. So he said he would be there too.

I went in and it's all candles and pillows. Dark. I sat on a pillow near the front. First they had the singer. Very new age, but I'll admit she can sing. I can't tell if she is singing in a real language or it's made up. Vaguely native american sounding. She had a microphone, which I consider wimpy. Also it kept nearly falling off, interfering a bit with her ethereal arm motions. She was wearing a very sheer pale cream embroidered silk dress and didn't seem to have anything on under it. The light was dim enough that I wasn't sure if she was blond or had shaved everything. Hmmm. Didn't know we were supposed to dress like THAT for exercise. She was barefoot. Black and white sensitive movies with waves and stuff were projected behind her.

Next came a red haired woman wear a grey/silver slip, black sparkly lacy dress and 3 inch heels. She did a sort of monologue about "FUCKING softly and SOMETIMES HARD." Double hmmm. What in the hell have I gotten me and the local shrink in to?

Next came a speech by the high up Nia food chain woman, who has a warm rich voice. Mezzo-soprano. Again black and white film. She's not visible but is talking about The Feminine Spirit. The film has what appears to be a man doing underwater spiritual dance moves. Then another figure joins him. I'm thinking of synchronized swimming by now. It's all a bit out of focus, all the more to be ethereal. They are both spare muscly figures, dancer bodies. Right before it fades out we get enough of a close up to see that the second figure is female, because even though we haven't seen either figure's face, by god, that's a tit. hmm, hmm, hmm.

Ok, now comes the main event. She comes down the aisle. She has a white crew cut, very short. Has that female hair thinning that is genetic, I note. She is wearing a flared black very short jacket. She is wearing black thigh high stockings and black leather spike heel boots. Hmm. Didn't know The Feminine Spirit was a dominatrix. She has a sheer black crinoline over a generous butt that stands out very well because she is only wearing a set of black thong leather looking high cut panty things with a 4-5 inch silver decoration on the front. She also has a black collar that has a strap that runs down towards her cleavage with black straps off the sides like ribs. She doesn't ever take off the jacket and actually my imagination doesn't really want to go there. Hard to focus on the head with the butt standing out. She does have on quite a bit of makeup. So: this is The Feminine Spirit? Now I'm wondering what in the hell IS Nia?

Now she does a monologue. First off some spiritual stuff and saying that we are doing Nia because we want to be in touch with our bodies, we want to be in touch with The Feminine Spirit, ending many phrases with "and we call it ..... exercise." (breathily). She apparently gets in touch with Her Feminine Spirit by running her hands suggestively over various of her own body parts. By now My Feminine Spirit is thinking that this is bullshit, I don't need to wear domination clothes to be in touch with her and are we all going to take our clothes off for the exercise? The Nia chick talks about "pleaaaasure". Then she sits on a wicker chair which is higher than the other two women. Kind of a throne. They listen attentively. I'm getting pretty wiggly on my pillow and trying to find that position where I can fall asleep sitting up like I used to when I meditated regularly. Still lots o' candles. She has a giant book which has apparently gotten caught in a pheasant because tail feathers stick out of it. It is covered with tinfoil and I am thinking that we could improve that bit of art some. She does a long story about being a spirit in heaven and seeing her parents meet and feeling the love and doesn't quite describe them fucking and she has to choose whether to be a woman or man and being a woman she has to sign a contract about sacrifices and then she gets to go be with the egg and sperm and oh, it's wet, and she starts having feelings.

I haven't actually talked to the Local Shrink, he's sitting about 5 pillows away. I waved early on but he didn't see me then. By now I'm not sure I should wave. There's a confessional bit where the microphone goes to some people ... "I could reach My Feminine Spirit if only ....." I do not participate. During the monologue I thought that I'd had more fun in clinic meeting a new 88 year old and doing a POLST form with her than the speeches. Granddaughter cried during the POLST, but agreed. Next we pick up the pillows.

The Local Shrink makes his escape with the pillows. Chicken. I'm sticking. If we have to strip I'll leave then. Now we do the Nia exercise and it's fun. Silly. Some aerobics with a few karate yells and punches if you wish, bunch o' butt shaking (apparently this loosens or calls The Feminine Spirit or something), bunch o' tit shaking, lots o' arms and some free form. It's pretty easy. Since the leader is brave enough to do this with her nekkid butt only covered by a crinoline, those brave enough to stay actually do loosen up a bit. A fellow doctor's wife is there and does not seem to be shaking it much. She doesn't grind very low on the pelvis grinds to the floor. Then we do some circle stuff and some stuff facing each other and then a lie-on-the-floor and get another monologue, a relaxation and commit to letting The Juicy Feminine Spirit flow. I get cold and have to get my jacket.

We're done! We clap! We are encouraged to buy CDs of the music and for exercise at home and to sign up for the conference if we haven't all ready. Women only.

Gosh, I just don't know how I can miss it. Already committed to going out of town. I'm going to call The Local Shrink and leave a message that he really should have stayed for the orgy.

It was an experience not to be missed: an introduction to Nia and to The Feminine Spirit. I have to say that I enjoyed it immensely.

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