The following morning dawned bright and clear, and the birds woke to their usual work with the rising of the sun’s first rays. As the light struck the many, many trees of Wyomaho State Campus, in which were many, many birds, the songs of tens of thousands of birds arose in their sweet melodies.

As I sat at my desk and listened, I wondered how I had ever been able to sleep through this, and how anyone could. Well, heavy sleep was heavy sleep, I supposed, and though I did not enjoy it now, I did enjoy the chance to see the sun rise.

Or I would have, if I had not now understood exactly what Ruth had warned me about last night. Every song I could make out was a message of “Come here and mate with me” or “step off my territory,” only in much more lewd and explicit terms. 

Had I been as crude as most of my peers on campus I might have thought it amusing. But I was a Person of God, which meant I had a responsibility to be modest. And to hear a vast congregation of God’s little creatures behaving in such a manner was, shall we say, extremely disorienting. It was exactly like what had happened when I had come to this campus and discovered that there was a pervasive atmosphere of intemperate bawdiness. As if I was the only person in the entire organization who had any morals. HIghly isolating. And now there were ten thousand more beings acting ungodly. 

The fact that every time I considered Ruth I thought about how I would make a nest with her and boldly mark out my territory around her was just worms on the cake. Icing. Icing on the cake. I did not want to eat worms, dammit. Maybe bugs but – no, not those either! What was wrong with human food

I groaned, thumped my head on the desk, and then pushed myself away, hoping that I could eventually learn how to tune these ruffians out. I put a hand on Ruth’s shoulder and shook her. “Hark,” I murmured. “Hear the gentle dawn chorus.”

Ruth’s eyes opened. “Hmm? Oh, hey babe. G’morning.” She yawned. “What’s up?”

“The sun is up,” I said. “As are the birds.”

“One of them is.” She winked.

“Can it,” I said. “You told me birds don’t sing of sweet things, right?”

“Yes…”

“Well now,” I said through gritted teeth, “I can give you confirmation.”

Ruth grinned. “The ornithologists are going to have an absolute field day with you. They will never let you go. They will shove one bird after another in your face, demanding to know what it says.”

“We are not telling them about me.”

“But, scientific discovery! Can you keep such valuable information from the scientific community? Would you hoard it, like precious gems that stay in a chest and never see light?”

“I am supposedly turning into a Mad Scientist,” I said. “Mad Scientists keep everything cool to themselves until they’re finished building their giant death robot or whatever, and then they burn their notes and go on a rampage.”

“Oh,” said Ruth, “but think of what you could do if you shared!” She sat up. “You would win all the awards! Your name would be in every scientific journal, even the ones having nothing to do with biology! You would be invited to all the best parties! I could be your plus one! Your arm candy! Your mistress!”

“I’d need to get married to someone else for you to be my mistress,” I said. “And I don’t see me marrying anyone but you, now do I?”

Ruth gasped, and her face lit up. “Does this mean –”

I harrumphed. “I didn’t mean to propose there. Let’s have an actual courtship before we decide on anything, eh? After we are no longer roommates.”

“You know,” said Ruth, “you are very odd. You willingly kiss me, you insinuate a proposal, and yet you refuse to date me and you don’t even share my bed. It’s like you’re doing a relationship backwards. Next I expect you will tell me you enjoy my company.”

 “Well, I –” I paused, for I had just noticed that Ruth was in one of her skimpier nightgowns. I looked away. She already looked good enough in her running gear, I didn’t need to see any more of her than that. Not something I wanted to consider. Very often.

Pity that the birds felt otherwise about that subject.

“You look sad,” said Ruth. “What is the matter?”

“The birds,” I said. “And their crudity. I do not like to admit that an entire ecosystem is prone to promiscuity and brutality, literally the opposite of what is holy.” I crossed my arms, noticing at last that they were covered in feathers up to the shoulders. “They are all so petty and rude.”

“Alright,” said Ruth. “You can talk to birds. Tell them to shut up then.”

I opened the window. Sticking my head out, I shouted, “For God’s sake, can’t you birdbrains talk about anything else?”

The world fell silent.

Then all at once, every bird in every tree and bush flew into the air. In a flock that nearly blotted out the sun, shey spiraled up, and up, and up, and then down – down towards the quad, down to right in front of my window. A sea of birds stood there, peering at me, as if waiting for me to say something.

What do you all want?”

A little wren piped up. “To please you, king of birds. What shall we sing of, if not mates and territory?”

I shook my head. “Okay, first of all, I’m not a monarch. This is America, by thunder. We don’t have monarchs. We have democracy.”

Democracy? What is that?”

I paused, not sure if the simple answer would suffice for a bunch of birdbrains.

 “What’s it saying?” said Ruth, coming up behind me.

“The birds seem to desire a king,” I said. 

“Oh!” said Ruth. “What a foolish thing. This is America. Tell them they should form a Congress. That’s properly American.”

The wren chirped. “What is the human saying?”

She’s saying get yourself organized,” I said. “Vote on proposals. Be a Congress of birds.”

Yes, Prime Minister.”

I shook my head and drew back into the room, slamming the window shut.

“It always sounds so funny when you talk to birds,” said Ruth. “Caw caw caw!”

“Laugh it up, love.” I scratched at my face. I felt the telltale brush of feathers beneath my fingers. Ah, nuts. I dashed to the mirror.

There before me was a face encroached by cream-colored feathers at the cheekbones and temples, with eyes that had turned completely black, iris and sclera alike. Like they'd turned to shiny black marbles or something. And my neck was covered in cream-colored feathers speckled with grey. I turned and glared at Ruth. “Why didn’t you tell me this had happened!”

Ruth, for her part, looked disturbed. “Your…you didn’t look like that before you stuck your head out the window. Not the eyes, not the neck, nothing.”

“Shit,” I said. “I’m going to look like Big Bird soon. I’m going to turn into a pigeon by the end of the day. I’m going to catch bird flu and die.”

“Thank goodness we’re asking Artemis for a cure,” said Ruth. “Only…why hasn’t the lab tried to come up with an antidote?”

“For all I know,” I growled, “Professor Windsor hasn’t received a recipe from Doctor Morrow yet.”

“You mean,” said Ruth, “in the past few days, the Professor hasn’t discussed the idea of a cure with you yet? They didn’t immediately start looking into options?”

I shook my head. 

Ruth threw the covers off, jumped out of bed, yanked clothing out of her closet and began dressing furiously, without even asking me to look away. “No classes for me today,” she said. “I’m hitting the law library and then I’m going to see about filing a lawsuit.”

“Ruth – ”

She whirled around and planted a kiss right on my lips. I was too startled to return the kiss, but stood there still processing the situation. Ruth sighed. “I am sorry for doing that abruptly. For all I knew, that was the last moment I would have had the chance to kiss you before you transformed further.” She hung her head.

“Hey,” I murmured, holding her right hand. With my left I tilted her chin up so she could meet my eyes. “That wasn’t the last.” I kissed her hard on the lips.

She threw her arms around me and returned the favor, and we were at it for some time, not daring to let each other go, any more than a drowning sailor would let go of a life preserver.

 





“Alright,” said Professor Windsor. We were standing in their office, a windowless room in the center of the basement of the lab. On their desk was an ancient desktop computer, and enough papers to cover most of the rest of the surface. “I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you to – oh goodness, your condition has been progressing faster than I expected.”

As indeed it had – this morning there had been clear skin on my face, but shortly after I had berated a sparrow for dive-bombing me the rest of my face had become feathered, and my mouth had turned into a beak at last. A grey beak. Wonderful. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to avoid standing out. 

Conspicuous appearance aside, the beak did not, for whatever reason, prevent me from communicating in normal human speech. It was fine. It wasn’t magic or anything. Crows could speak the human tongues. Nothing weird about my ability to speak, at all.

I crossed my arms, which had begun to grow long black flight feathers just after I had admonished a scrub jay for stealing from a chickadee. “You’re saying you expected this? You couldn’t have, I don’t know, told me what would happen?”

“I got distracted with everything related to Rook,” said the Professor. “Sorry about that. I have my weaknesses.”

“Well that’s all good for you,” I said. “As for me, everyone on campus thinks I’m a furry. And the actual furries on campus are mad at me for wearing my 'costume' frivolously.” I clacked my beak in frustration. “I oughta peck apart their nests. Anyway, I have some pointed questions for you. First of all –”

“You want to know why I haven’t mentioned a cure for your condition.” Professor Windsor sighed. “It has to do with why I dropped the ditz act just now and why my lab is in the basement. I don’t want to talk about this subject any place the moon or sun or sky could spy on me.”

My eye twitched. 

“Because my patron is Doctor Morrow,” said Professor Windsor. “And I’m pretty sure the gods –”

“The Olympians,” I said. “There’s only one god and he doesn’t get up to earthly stuff directly.”

The Professor sighed. “Alright, the Olympians seem to be on the hunt for whoever is doing weird things with birds. And that’s definitely Doctor Morrow. I don’t want to lead the Olympians to the guy who’s sponsoring my lab. How that relates to a cure for you is that Doctor Morrow probably has one.”

“So have him send one!”

“If I do,” said Professor Windsor, “then Hephaestus will pick up on the conversation through the cell signal.”

“Didn’t peg him for some kind of totalitarian snoop,” I said. “Great. Send him a damn letter. The Olympians can’t mess with the Postal Service or they’ll get their asses handed to them.”

“But Hermes could track the letter itself,” said the Professor. “No need to open it if you know where it’s going.”

“Then how the hell do you get your communications from him?”

“You really want to know?” said the Professor. “Come on, I’ll show you. Today’s the day for the next package to arrive. Always at 12:15 on the dot, it’s incredible.” They got up from their chair and twirled around the desk, marching out the door without even bothering to beckon me to follow. But follow I did, up the stairs and  – and there was Ruth at the top of the stairs, looking stormy as she was about to come down. But the Professor brushed by her without a word, leaving her spluttering indignantly.

“Hey there,” I murmured, “good to see you as always. You here to serve that lawsuit?”

“I’m here to give the Professor a piece of my mind,” muttered Ruth. “Not much more I can do. Laws in this state absolutely do not favor grad assistants. I’d have to sue on the basis of pain and suffering, and I need to do more research if I’m going that route.”

“Hey,” called Professor Windsor from the doorway to the courtyard. “You coming to see the airdrop or what?”

“Might as well get this over with,” I muttered, and Ruth and I followed the Professor out into the courtyard.

There in the center stood Guy, looking up at the sky.

“You!” I said.

“Yeah?” said Guy, giving me a confused look. “I work here? I’ve been here all morning. You kinda brushed by me when you came in. Hang on.” He looked up at the sky again. Then he put his hands up. All of a sudden, a large wooden box fell into his hands, and he moved downward with the force to slow the box’s descent into a more gradual stop, like a human spring.

“Capital!” said Professor Windsor. “I enjoy seeing the boxes break open when they hit the ground, but it’s probably better for the contents if that doesn’t happen.”

As Guy set the box down in the dirt, I saw him give the Professor a blank look, something that, in this context, might appear a trifle resentful. But in the next moment he had his usual innocent expression. “Hey,” he said, “how are these packages getting to us anyway?”

Airdrop by golden eagles,” said Professor Windsor.

“Doesn’t Zeus have jurisdiction over eagles?” said Ruth.

The Professor's face went blank. “Oh, I'm such a ditz I forgot! Silly me, how foolish. Anyway, now that you’ve seen it let’s adjourn to the office, shall we?” Once again they marched off without a single gesture towards us.

Back in the office, the Professor sat down heavily in their chair and was about to speak when the door opened behind us. I whirled around and saw Guy standing in the doorway

“Hey,” said Guy, “um – I wasn’t sure if I was invited to this meeting or not, so I thought I’d ask…”

I, who had ditched him in the courtyard not twelve hours after Ruth had told me to be the poor boy’s friend, did not dare to meet his eyes.

“Come in,” said the Professor. “We’re speaking in confidence but you’re not the one we’re keeping secrets and stuff from. You’re working here anyway. Join the party.”

As Guy sidled into the room, I noticed that Ruth wasn’t meeting Guy’s eyes either. Fair enough.

“What you just saw out there – and fielded, thank you, Guy – was the good Doctor Morrow’s method of communicating with me. Sending him a message back requires me to wait for an eagle to come down, and then I can just tie a paper to its leg and send it off, and somehow the message always gets to the Doctor. Easy-peasy.”

“Doesn’t seem very secure,” said Ruth. “You’re absolutely certain that your messages wouldn’t be intercepted by Zeus? Or that he wouldn’t track the eagles?”’

I haven’t been hit by lightning yet,” said the Professor. 

“Wait a second,” said Guy. “Zeus? What do you mean?”

“Some folks you don’t want to get mixed up with,” I said. “I only did because I was asking Artemis for a cure –”

“Cure?” said Guy. “Why would you want a cure? You look really cool. Can you fly?”

I winced. 

“Cool or not,” said Ruth, “We don’t know if this is condition is safe, and more to the point, Esen does not wish to remain in this state forever. If you want to try this whole thing then be my guest, but my beloved had other plans for their life.”

Something about that statement sounded like it was incorrect, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. “As I was saying, I asked Artemis for a cure, and she told me to go find Doctor Morrow for her.”

“Really,” said Professor Windsor. “That’ll be interesting. Doctor Morrow could just as easily give you a cure, without holding anything over your head. Probably. I’d rather you deal with him than with the Greek –”

“Olympians,” I said. “The advantage of dealing with those guys is their habits are well-documented in ancient sources. Morrow, I don’t know that guy. So…if I wanted to pull a double-cross on anyone, I’d rather do it on the person I can predict.”

Guy and Ruth looked at me with concern.

“What?”

“Did I stumble into some kind of secret-agent thing?” said Guy. “You’re kinda creeping me out, dude.”

“And you signed a magical contract,” said Ruth. “I didn’t put in any fatal penalties for breaking it, but either it’s not actually possible to violate the thing, or you’re going to really feel it when you do. And I might just let you have it, because contract law is kind of a big deal.” She crossed her arms.

I looked away from the two. Having blown it in front of Guy twice and touched a nerve with Ruth, I didn’t want to meet their eyes.

“The disadvantage of working with Olympians,” said Professor Windsor, “is that you might become a proxy for their own power struggles. Part of why I put on an act when I’m visible to the sun, moon, or sky. I don’t want to get involved in that crap again. Doctor Morrow is a much more honest patron. And he is interested, as am I, in helping people without holding anything over their heads. I suggest you try to find him, ask him for a recipe for a cure, and bring it here for me to fabricate, assuming he doesn’t have that capability himself. Does that sound like a plan?”

“Sounds like the start of a plan,” I said. “I can certainly try to find this guy. In the meantime, while I’m stuck like this, I’m still mad at you.”

“You were exposed to the solution because you weren’t wearing your PPE properly.”

“You shoved an open flask into my hands!”

“I’m not assigning all the blame to you here.”

“Good,” said Ruth. “I ought to call OSHA in on this place. This insane. How have you not been hit with a lawsuit for unsafe working conditions?”

“We have,” said Professor Windsor. “Doctor Morrow seems to be good for any amount of money anyone wants to sue for. Settling out of court with him is so easy almost nobody has ever – ah, but that’s a long story, and I get so easily distracted don’t I? Anyway, the matter you are upset about is easily remedied if we get Doctor Morrow to make a –”

“Why can’t you do it!” shouted Ruth. “You have this entire science lab and you can’t even devise an antidote to anything? What the hell is the matter with you? How can you call yourself a Mad Scientist?”

The Professor sighed. “I honestly don’t know if I can.”

“Eh?”

“Mostly what I do is replication studies of Doctor Morrow’s work,” said the Professor. “Compared to some of the things he’s sent me…I can hardly call this place Mad Science. I’ve hatched unique birds, I’ve done a little genetic engineering of my own. So what? Mostly I’m just doing what my patron tells me.”

“So don’t,” said Guy.

“Hm?” said the Professor.

“I thought Mad Scientists were always fighting against each other,” said Guy. “That’s how the stories work, right? They’re, like, always trying to prove themselves bigger and badder than the other guy. The opposite of a community of knowledge. So if you want to actually do Mad Science, you have to get off your ass and, you know, send this Morrow guy a manifesto. Say you’ll be bigger and badder than him.”

“They’ll see,” I muttered. “They’ll all see. Someday they’ll all call me a genius.”

“Yeah,” said Guy. “Like that.”

The Professor grinned. “Ah ha. I wonder if I have two promising young candidates for that profession.”

Guy crossed his arms. “I prefer to do actual science. This version is lonely and it kinda sounds like every generation has to re-invent the wheel.”

“We can make it bigger!” said Professor Windsor, half-rising from their seat and thumping the table with their palms. “We can make it better! Bolder! Why, I’ll – Ahem.” They sat back down and smoothed their lab coat. “Got a bit carried away there. Yes, Guy, I see what you mean. Anyway. I daresay that if I declare rebellion against my master, and thus vanquishing him, gain all of his Science Powers, or at least his wealth, then perhaps I would be a better candidate to cure Rani than my master. In which case, Rani, I need you to seek out Doctor Morrow so that I can target his lab with a discreet little WHOOMPHthermobaric bomb.”

Guy, Ruth and I all exchanged worried glances. 

“Okay,” I said, “I’m not going to be an accessory to murder. I already had to yell at Artemis for suggesting such a thing. If you’re going to vanquish this guy I want you neutralize him, not slaughter him. Or else I’m not going to help you. Understood?”

The Professor looked disappointed. “Oh, fine, have it your way. I’ll have to devise something more complicated and careful. Anyway! There you go, Rani, that’s how you’ll fulfill your deal with Artemis. Let me be your arsenal.”

“If we do this,” said Ruth, “will you pay your grad assistants more than chicken feed?”

“Seems appropriate for Rani!” said the Professor. They guffawed, and slapped their knee.

Nobody else laughed.

“Ahem,” said the Professor. “Yes, if I can get my hands on Doctor Morrow’s source of wealth I believe that matter will be very simple.”

“Fine,” growled Ruth. Then she appeared to realize something. “Wait a damn second. Doctor Morrow?”

“No,” said the Professor, looking confused. “My name is Professor Windsor.”

Ruth glared at them before continuing. “This Doctor Morrow. Where exactly does he live?”

“On an island –”

Oh my God, you can’t be serious.”

“ – off the coast of Lake Superior.”

“Eh?”

“Ile Parisienne, if I recall correctly.”

Ruth looked confused. “Are you absolutely certain that you are pronouncing his name correctly?”

“Absolutely, I see his signature all the time on his correspondence. What are you getting at?”

“Nothing,” said Ruth. “It’s a long story. I take it you’ve never been to his house. Have you seen any pictures of it?”

“No…”

“Esen and I will, soon enough.”

“You’re going with – ah. Yes, that makes perfect sense considering your behavior.” The Professor glanced at Guy. “I do need at least one grad assistant to stay here and help me, though.”

Guy shrugged. “I’m not one for travel.”

“Capital,” said the Professor. “Now, I will need to run some medical tests on Esen, and if you wish to have this journey sponsored by the university it will take a few days to get the paperwork in order. As long as you can avoid addressing any birds, Esen, I think your condition will not develop as fast as it has done thus far. Now! If I have answered your questions, I must get back to my work.” They gestured to the desktop computer. “I have hundreds of emails to attend to from birdwatching groups, asking about the exotic birdsongs coming from this campus. They think I might have had something to do with it.”

Ruth and I exchanged glances.

“How about that,” said Ruth.

“The birds did sound a little odd today,” said Guy.

“Don’t know how it could have happened,” I said. And we three left without another word.





That night, after I made the evening prayer, I made my way out of the dormitory and to the clearing where I had met Artemis before. I sat down in the grass, looked up at the waning moon, and said, “Alright, moony loon, I’ve got some information for you.”

There was a rustle and a crackling sound, and a bear stepped out of the bush.

I scooted backward frantically. “Whoa there buddy, I didn’t ask for you! Back off! Trying to have a meeting here!”

The bear reared up on its hind legs, a massive shadow looming over me in the darkness. Like Rook only much more likely to eat me. I got to my feet and stepped backward, not taking my eyes off the beast.

And then I heard a young woman’s laughter coming from its head. I smacked my forehead. “You.”

The bear began to shrink, and then it resolved into the shape of a young woman. “Me. Whom you specifically called.”

“You could have been more courteous with your arrival!”

Artemis laughed again. “After all the disrespect you have put me through? You continue to forget that you are talking to a –”

“To an Olympian,” I said. “Anyway, like I said, I got some info. I wouldn’t call it a break in the case, but it is a lead.”

“Oh?” Artemis put her hands behind her back and bent down to stare at me intently. “Do go on.”

“Well, you said there was bird trouble all over the country, right?”

Artemis nodded.

“And my lab, the Morrow Lab, has been doing a bunch of weird bird experiments.”

“So I gathered. Have you managed to locate Doctor Morrow within? Lure him out? Neutralize him in some way?”

I shook my head. “He’s not anywhere near Wyomaho State University,” I said. “He’s on an island in Lake Superior.”

Artemis looked puzzled. “And yet he directs the Morrow Lab?”

“It sounds like he’s got his own lab on the island. Which makes sense, he’s a Mad Scientist and all. He uses the Morrow Lab to confirm his findings and stuff. Ruth and I are going to go look for him, and then –” 

“And then you will lure him outside at night, where I can slay him in a moment. Excellent.”

“No!” I said. “Stop talking about slaying people, dammit!”

“I am a hunter,” said Artemis. “Slaying creatures is what I do.”

“Luring a guy out with bait and then zapping him is trapping, not hunting. If you want to be a hunted you have to search and chase. I’m doing the searching. I’m the hunter in this situation. Not you. Professor Windsor is sending me to neutralize the guy – that doesn’t mean kill him, don’t give me that look – and then maybe the Professor will be able to cure my condition, or maybe Doctor Morrow can if I’m lucky, I don’t know. The point is I’m not going to help you kill anyone, and if you keep talking like that you can do all your hunting on your own.”

Artemis looked peeved. “And why, little bird, are you seeking a cure when I have already made a deal with you for one?”

“Because if there’s a cure for my condition I want to find the documentation and publish it in all the journals. Just in case what happened to me happens to someone else. And you, miss high-and-mighty, have only promised to help me. I’m thinking bigger than that.”

Artemis stood upright. “You think of more people than yourself.You are...better than the heroes I knew of old. And yet, I fear you will come to the same end as them." She blinked. “I didn’t mean that as a threat, I’m just saying they all had got brought down by character flaws. I can see you leaping into self-sacrifice pretty easily. Or seeking to usurp the gods out of a sense of justice, which will get you killed in short order. You did just attempt to claim the title of hunter from me.”

I crossed my arms. “I don’t have to usurp anything. We’re all equal under God. If you can’t do your job I’ll do it.”

Artemis laughed. “We are not equal, mortal! The gods reign above you!”

I didn’t vote for you,” I said. “Nobody voted for you. This is America, by golly. We pick our leaders. Who picked you?”

“Well, um –”

“That’s what I thought. Keep in mind, miss, that you have been specifically commanded by your father to follow American legal precedent. So don’t you ever go pretending to be my legal superior when nobody voted for you. Get it?”

Artemis looked disgusted. “This awful land full of mortals who don’t know their place. Why did my father send us here?”

“I wonder that myself,” I said. “A land of equality is a terrible place for arrogant spirits to pretend they have divine authority. But it sounded like you were making a rhetorical question. What’s the answer? What is Zeus’ game? What orders did he give?”

Thunder rumbled from a clear sky.

Artemis glared down at me. “I would not be asking those questions without a roof over your head, mortal.”

“Playing his cards close to the chest, eh?” I shook my head. “Not very good leadership, unless the goal is something that really needs to be kept secret. Um –”

Thunder rumbled again. 

“I would stop talking if I were you,” said Artemis. “Now, you have given me a decent lead, and you have come to me with a plan already in mind. That is good work. For that I will spare this Doctor Morrow’s life, provided you can talk him out of whatever he’s doing to scare the birds. You get going on your work, and I will get going on mine.” She grew taller and resumed the shape of a bear. Then she fell to all fours and lumbered away through the bushes.

I made my way back to the main campus, climbing up hills and running down them, nearly taking flight as the long feathers on my arms caught the air. Ah. I’d done some Bird Talking tonight, in a manner of speaking, hadn’t I. So much for avoiding transformation.

As I made my way into the dorm, and into my dorm room, I looked at Ruth’s sleeping form and sighed. No kissing her goodnight now. Not for a while. Maybe not ever.

To the end, she said. Kisses or none. But what would the end be?

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