The difficulty in this is not the longing
or the being-apart
for this is all obscured by the possibility of a certain future
in which I will meet you again, quietly, early,
like the sun does a sunday morning

I do not fear tempests or
angered discourses
venomous, dripping with resentment
words that cut you open like a dagger

instead I feed myself thinking of
the pain that is yet to come, yet to
rear its head, innocent as an arachnid
that is not familiar with its own deadliness

the pain that I have painted in my thoughts
so vivid and rational, invading right after
that moment where you decide
this face is no longer worth observing

this is what I fear every day, this
imminence, this omen, this
and the fact that this notion is so foreign
to you, and yet so possible, so close

the idea of this pain is what makes this
twenty-three year old body
cringe in terror when you touch it

you don't know this, and you shall not
I don't wish for you to decipher this madness

I shall give it to you as a gift, as one would give
a beautiful dead black bird


It was a dull Memorial Day, which made me feel bad. I am not in favor of a day of enforced somberness, even in memory of fallen soldiers, but I am somewhat dejected whenever a day like this passes with no actual memorial. To hold one privately in your imagination and to hold one publicly is a bummer, so perhaps something other than a holiday would be appropriate. Some kind of small ceremony or pilgrimage that could be taken when the need was felt. I don't know, I just want to do the right thing.

I am over the small depression of last night. Climbing out of that shallow abyss, I start college again tomorrow for the summer to try and get all the credits I need to graduate from this college and move up to somewhere that's a bit more impressive on paper. I'm looking forward to it, now that I know what to expect. I don't know who said it or where, but I remember reading someone saying that college was essentially a hazing rather than an education, and I've decided they were right. But now I know what to expect and I'm on all the right medications, so it should be fine (I hope).

That would make a great node about some kind of super drug experience you triggered to turn yourself into the Ubermensch by taking a whole bunch of unrelated, non-interacting medications and then something harmless (like an apple) and some benign ingredient involved sets off a psychedelic chain-reaction. I don't have rights to the idea. Just saying.

I'm going to try and write here everyday if I can. I've said that more times than I can count, but this is my second day in a row and I'm pretty sure that's a new record. And records are auspicious.

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