Let Them Have Festivas!
All teens getting their license for the first time, should, up until the age of 18 or upon the age they move out of the house should it exceed 18, only be allowed to drive Ford Festivas. Think about the benefits!
· --Festivas have no speed and no pickup, which would eliminate a lot of the local sheriff's paperwork, not to mention the EMS getting a break on that body count.
· --Insurance rates would no longer discriminate against teens or male teens specifically, since they all would have an equal chance of never getting into a 5 car pileup or running through an alcohol-blood content checkpoint at your local cruising strip. They would all be driving the same piece of shit car.
· --A Festiva can hold four teens comfortably, 6 if you take into account the shrinking teen syndrome that has swept the nation's malls. Since there is virtually no room to "stash" anything, parents would not be so tempted to snoop around and/or actually find anything they could bust you for. There's a limit to how much trouble you can cook up when you can't even scratch your ass in the passenger seat of the "getaway car."
· --Being such basic cars (think about why we dissect frogs in biology instead of other humans), Festivas are cheap to buy, relatively cheap to fix, and cheap to maintain. Hell, I say make the kid put his car together as a kit, like those plastic model cars. Talk about hands on experience!
· --This is more for us pseudo-pedophiles: It would make spotting people too young to be hitting on a hell of a lot easier. Just look for the M&M with wheels on it.
· --Kids will be forced to re-direct their rage , senses of alienation, depression, massive growth spurts, hormonal imbalances, and suicidal thoughts (all of which are practically required) off the road and hopefully, into a 12 step program (just kidding).
· --Now I know what you're thinking. If we make all the teens drive Festivas, what will old people who can't afford Crown Victorias drive? No worries; I already thought of that. Color code the teen's Festivas to differentiate them from Gram's and Grandpa's. Let's make the ones for teens red, blue, and green. The fogies get silver, black, and white. Hell if it'll shut them up, let the kids paint logos on theirs so they can find them in the parking lot. Make it fun! Driving is, above all, supposed to be FUN!
--This is strictly a spoof. Add as desired. I'm gonna finish this here bottle of wine.