Conversations at work run to the raunchy. This time, it was giddy giddy first-date behavior; you know, what nerves we have in the preliminaries to love. He said he saw me as an aggressor; he imitated me, even - he said:

"You little cocktease! I thought I was gonna get some tonight!"

He saw my reaction (the full-body blush, the cower), and he doesn't even know what sentiments I had a couple of months ago, the night my heart split for real and good, the night I had to wake up to a couple of awful truths.

My heart and libido not enough to bear in close quarters; both too afraid to hurt the other; and the way I had to learn to be happy, really happy, just being quiet and close with him.