boring and old are the things you're told
about the outside world
and just wearing black won't take care of that
don't be stupid girl.

Mascara- Killing Heidi

I think differently than other people, OK? I mean, it's always been that way. I ponder, I dwell I obsess- all of the above. When I read books I don't want to know what the characters do-that's obvious- I don't want to know what they think (that's there on the page)- I want to know what they are thinking- what's their motivation?

Was Holden repressing some kind of weird homicidal rage? Is Hester some kind of deluded bipolar disorder? What's with these people?

One afternoon my fey English comp teacher is droning on and on about Sartre and Existentialism. My blank faced classmates were not getting it . Not even a little. I was hard at work, drawing a dark, gory death scene on the inside of my textbook. Suddenly I heard someone blurt out:

It means we don't know why we are here and why are we even alive if it all seems pointless and life has no meaning whatsoever.

After about 10 seconds of silence I realized that the reason everyone was looking at me was that it had been my voice. Da---am.

Needless to say this resulted in a trip to the school counselor's office and several meaningful conversations about the state of my psyche. Finally I had enough sense to go the local library, get a basic Psychology text and give her what she wanted-

I feel I have really grown from this-I see things clearer now, I was troubled before, but it all makes sense now...

This worked amazingly well and I was spared any further time with her. I was allowed to return to my regular end of day class- study hall-the place where no one studied.

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