Woke up feeling very unsettled today. Last night I came home in a terrible mood, started doing the dishes, and got into it with my youngest when she said her therapist needed to know when I thought she should come back in again. I felt that this warranted a phone call to me, it felt like poor communication on his part, and I resented the fact that she was asking after I urged her to get up and out of the house in time to be punctual. I made some valid points, but my tone was not one that conveyed a sense of wanting to work on the issues we have here at home. I told her to go back into her room and help her sister, this was her excuse for not doing things I had asked her to, so I said she should go get what they needed to get done in there.
Not long after that I heard them fighting. I went in, broke up the combatants, told one to go out into the living room, and let the other stay in their room. I sat down with a book, got up to make myself some tea, and sat there reading with my oldest for a while. I chose to open The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, and much like The Power of Habit, the book is more of a core philosophy rather than quick fixes. I started crying as I read, thinking of the fights we have had in the past, and those that plague us now. In a fit of desperation I took the laptops and cell phones out of the house, and locked them up offsite.
Pretty soon I saw my youngest laying on the floor in her doorway. I felt like she wanted to be a part of the reading group, but told her to go back into her room to test this theory. Without any devices to distract them, they were compelled to seek other forms of entertainment. We talked about the fight, my oldest admitted she wanted attention from her sister. My youngest apologized for being disrepsectful, and I apologized for my bad mood and poor communication. We played a couple rounds of Story Cubes, my oldest made a point of reading while we were playing, I chose not to make an issue of it, and was grateful her sister was more cooperative.
We kept yawning, there was a drowsy heaviness in the air without the hum of electronics and flashing screens to engage us, we started relaxing more. I started a new list. I asked what the good qualities were of other family members. Then I asked what they thought some of my better qualities were. The things they came back with surprised me, both things they thought about themselves as well as what they said about me. After that I asked what everyone's worst qualities were. My oldest mentioned that I don't use my blinker when I'm driving. This is largely true and I acknowledged that.
At one point I asked if they wanted snacks at the next family meeting. In their minds snacks and junk food are equivalents. I explained that they weren't the same thing to me, and then said that maybe it wasn't the best idea. My oldest insisted that it was while my youngest agreed. I was still frustrated, tired, and in serious need of a break, but I was so tired I didn't feel like driving was a good idea, and I wasn't up for a walk although it probably would have helped clear my head. I read some fairy tales aloud and marveled at how gory and depressing many of them were. While the girls protested my reading, I found that eventually they were paying attention.
Later on they volunteered to go to the store to buy Epsom salt for me. I felt as if this was a ploy and told them that they didn't have to do that for me. They said that they didn't mind, and I said that if they really wanted to help me out, they could do the rest of the dishes that were sitting in the sink. I told them that I understood if they wanted to get out for a while, I asked them to be back by ten, but didn't do anything when they weren't. I let them fool around for a while because my capacity to address anything had been significantly reduced. Finally I got up, noticed the time, and told them to go to bed.
They kept laughing and giggling which kept me up, the later it gets the less tolerance I have for that kind of thing. I waited for them to ask for their phones and computers back. They found an iPad that I had missed and quickly shoved it under the covers when I entered their room. Rather than make them ask I went out and got their devices, both of them thanked me and I thought that was well done of them. Even though I know that sitting in front of a screen all day is not great for people, I was amazed at how our family dynamic changed without them. People sat around talking, time passed very slowly, as if we had all the time in the world to get ready for bed that night.
What the book says is true. Change comes from the inside out and I need to model the behavior I would like to be seeing around home. I need to be treating them with respect, seeing things from their points of view, genuinely curious about their lives, and open to criticism when it comes my way. I'm the adult here, but they are almost adults and need more freedom as well as the responsibility that comes along with it. This is something we have habitually struggled with in the past. We want treats before the meal, money before the work has been performed, clean clothes and food without the prep work that goes along with it.
This was a week of growth at home. I have one week to get ready for next week, and I'm going to keep building on the things we have going for us now. Keep the family meeting, but include some items that the girls will enjoy eating. I will still give them money to buy groceries for the family, but this time I'll make sure we have a list and menu before anyone hits the store. Life as a single parent seems impossibly difficult at times. It's all on you, but then you get the credit as well. None of us are perfect, I'm struggling in a lot of areas, but I'm taking some action as well. This week will be a chance to catch up on sleep, do something fun and nice for myself, and overall just rest and relax. Looking forward to all of that.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. All of this job stuff is bringing up thoughts from the past and I'm having a hard time with a lot of that.
j