Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
A nation turns its lonely eyes to you
Woo woo woo

-- Simon and Garfunkel, Mrs. Robinson

On November 22, 1963, outside the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas, Texas, disguised underneath a shrubbery, a single individual waited for the President of the United States to appear. He held a rifle in one hand and was poised to strike a blow against a man he hated more than any other, the President, John F. Kennedy.

That man was Joe DiMaggio.

Joltin' Joe
Joe DiMaggio was a legendary baseball player. He had a career with the New York Yankees that spanned three decades. When he retired in 1951, he took up several new hobbies. One of these hobbies was hunting. Due to the exceptional hand-eye coordination that Joe DiMaggio was blessed with, he was a sure and calm shooter, able to easily kill most game without even a challenge. His favorite challenge was duck hunting, where he would practice shooting at moving targets.

Joe DiMaggio madly loved Marilyn Monroe; she was the love of his life. The two were married, but their relationship throughout the 1950s and 1960s was very tumultuous, never really resolved until her death due to a drug overdose in late 1962. It was widely rumored at the time that a very influential Irish-American family with known mob ties may have been involved in her death.

John F. Kennedy
John F. Kennedy was the 35th President of the United States. He was known as a womanizer, and early in his administration, Kennedy had an affair with Marilyn Monroe. When he tossed her aside like so many other ladies, she was inconsolable, and this led to a downward spiral of booze and drugs that led to her supposed suicide the next year.

Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
Going to the candidates debate
Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose

-- Simon and Garfunkel, Mrs. Robinson

The Road To Dallas
We've established the following:
DiMaggio's motive: He loved Marilyn Monroe and blamed the Kennedys for her death
DiMaggio's ability: He was a marksman and owned an ample supply of rifles.

But what about opportunity?

From November 20, 1963 to November 23, 1963, DiMaggio was supposedly on a hunting trip with friends. I propose that rather than going on this hunting trip, DiMaggio went to Dallas, Texas and killed the man that he blamed for ruining and killing the love of his life.

We'd like to know a little bit about you for our files
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself

-- Simon and Garfunkel, Mrs. Robinson

So, outside the Texas School Book Depository that cold November day, DiMaggio waited. He possessed the latest in rifle technology that would enable him to quickly fire off four or five shots in the narrow ten second window of opportunity that he had. As the car approached, DiMaggio fired off three shots in six seconds, the final one killing the President. Realizing what he'd done, he dropped the gun, which fired another shot onto a nearby curb, explaining the mysterious fourth bullet.

DiMaggio felt guilty and immediately found a Secret Service agent, one among dozens in the area. The agent took DiMaggio to the local FBI headquarters, where an investigation into the assassination was just beginning. After DiMaggio confessed, the new President, Lyndon Johnson, decided that the national tragedy would only be further extended if another hero were found to be the murderer. Thus, a patsy had to be found, and lo and behold, CIA informant and known anti-American Lee Harvey Oswald happened to be in Dallas that day.

DiMaggio, the murderer of the thirty fifth President of the United States, was allowed to continue being a free man because of his celebrity. He lived out the rest of his life as would be expected, signing autographs and appearing at baseball-related events, even going so far as to be a spokesman for Mr. Coffee.

But he left behind him a path of carnage, and a black swipe on American history.


This is a conspiracy theory. I offered this as my argumentative speech in a high school speech course. I received an "A" on it. I then turned in a similar paper in American History. I received an "F" on the paper. What do you think

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