Inspired, of course, by Prole's interview with god.

I knew, of course, that I needn't have bothered to be punctual. Prole got to the bar late, and I was well into My third scotch (no ice). She glanced at Me a little nervously as she sat down. She looked a lot like every other human.

"Well..." She said.

I took another sip of scotch, waiting for her to compose herself.

"So you're God."

"Yep." What more was there to say, really?

"Come here often?"

I gave her the look that I usually reserve for reluctant prophets. "Look, kid, you wanna' waste My time, it's your prerogative. But you do of course realize I've got other things to do. Come up with an intelligent question, or we'll call this done and I'll go home." This, of course, was something of a half truth. I did have other things to do; it's just that I was more than capable of doing them while being interviewed. But the girl was in need of a bit of a push in the right direction.

"Ok," she stuttered, "why English? Why aren't you communicating with me telepathically or something?"

I rolled My eyes. "I'm omniscient. I can speak whatever damned language I want. You want me to speak Russian? You want me to speak telepathically?"

I adjusted the electric potentials of a few thousand of her neurons.

"All right," She gasped, "what about the meaning of life?"

"The meaning of life..." I nodded. Not exactly the most creative question, but at least she was working in the right direction. "It's pretty simple. Be happy; be kind to your fellow humans. Try and do something that benefits everyone."

"That's it? What about serving G.. you? What about piety and virtue?"

Ahh, now she'd hit on something worthwhile.

"Look, about the whole worship thing - it's a nice sentiment, but who the Hell are you, any of you, to try and act on my behalf? I'm fucking omnipotent. I want something done, I do it myself. I don't need a planet full of drones. Why do you think you have free will?"

I leaned over to her.

"I'll tell you this, about the meaning of life. I didn't create you for some mission. I did it because I wanted to see what you'd do. Eve? The Tree of Knowledge? It was a test, but not a mistake. And Satan never led her into it. You humans had free will from the beginning. Without it, you'd cease to be entertaining."

"How can we entertain you? I thought you knew everything?"

"I do. But I don't know it unless it happens. or will happen. See what I mean?" Clearly, she didn't. Humans could be so limited in their understanding of time and probability sometimes.

"If I hadn't created you," I continued, "I wouldn't know what you'd do with your lives. Pokemon, for instance. That's fucking entertaining." In a sick sort of way, of course. "Otherwise it'd just be me, loafing around in Heaven with all these fucking angels. Same ol', same ol'."

"So about the angels.. Tell me about Satan."

"that little prick? You're all still hung up on him?"

"Er.. I suppose we are."

It had been a rhetorical question. I sighed and leaned back, crossing My arms behind My head.

"Well, for starters, he's short. Lots of facial hair. But, of course, he lives in Hell, so I don't see much of the guy. We don't exactly have deep conversations." Again, somewhat misleading. I didn't converse with Satan, but then again I didn't really need to.

"I understand. but what about the whole origin of evil thing? Is all that true?"

"Of course not. You make your own choices. And you weren't my first experiment." That last one would shake 'em up a bit, if it ever became common knowledge. "Your world is chaotic, not just your species. Natural disasters, all that shit, I don't trigger them one by one, they're random. I'm just the.. whaddaya call it.. first mover."

"why not a perfect world?"

”I've got Heaven for that. No problems, no surprises. What can I tell you? It's bland. It gets old." Or at least, it would, if time worked the same way there. "Human suffering, I understand how you feel about it and everything, but life's not fair, you know? that's what makes it interesting."

"for us, or for you?" Smart girl.

"Both. If it was perfect, you'd have no incentive to do anything new. thus, no entertainment for me."

“God.. do You love us?"

I paused to think about that one for an infinitesimal moment of time.

"Of course I love you. Every fucking last imperfect one of you. But I ain't your mommy, if that's what you're trying to get at. You protect yourselves; you make your own way."

"So, wait.. You talk about Heaven, Hell, Satan.. does that mean that Christianity is the truth?"

I pondered laughing out loud at that one, but decided not to. They did get some things right, after all.

"Nope." I downed the last of my scotch.

"Then what does it mean?"

"It means you came in here with a concept of what I'd be, of how I'd answer your questions. Some you honestly didn't think you knew the answers to, but you came with a lot of assumptions. You were raised to believe in God, and believe in him a certain way, so here I am. I'm here to disseminate information, not to shatter your personal worldview. I ain't got time for that. There's something like Heaven, like Hell. There's also something like reincarnation, like karma. Sometimes you're right, sometimes you're wrong. You just gotta learn not to take the word of any demagogue who shows up and starts talking." Wish I'd gotten that one drilled into their heads a long time ago.

"Most of it, you're not supposed to know. it's too big for you." Understatement of the millennium. "You just gotta do what you can with your own life, you know?"

"Sure. so you're saying I don't have to believe in you at all?"

I let a little exasperation show. It wasn't really directed at her, more at the general state of theology today.

"I don't know where you guys got the idea that I've got this crippling insecurity complex," I said, knowing full well that it came directly from the crippling insecurity complexes of a thousand false prophets, "But I don't. I don't have self-esteem issues, ok? I don't need the complete devotion of every single person on this planet. I don't even need the devotion of one."

Though the occasional devotion is certainly appreciated, be it an hour's worth of Our Fathers or just something along the lines of "Thanks for the really bitchin' sunset, Big Guy!" .

"Ok, sure. so.. what do you do for fun, god?"

"For fun?" I laughed, considering making a snappy remark about granting interviews.

"I fuck with the televangelists."

"So you really do talk to them?"

"Oh yeah. It's great. Maybe kind of juvenile, but like I said, I gotta do something to pass the days."

I looked at My watch. "Ah, speaking of that, I gotta get going. Nice to talk to you, kid. you're gonna die when you're 32. Try and have a good time until then, ok?"

She just stared, and started to mumble out a reply, but I was already gone.

I left her with the tab. Hey, it's not like I carry a lot of cash with Me.

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