Thursday, September 5th, 2002 - Washington, D.C. - Last night, in perhaps the greatest victory for Darwin in recent memory, the much-lauded "Intelligence Evolution" bill was put into law. It received the unanimous backing of every member of the House and Senate, which, although a terrific feat out of context, wasn't the least bit unexpected. Known in intellectual elitist circles as the "Not in My Gene Pool!" bill, it is unarguably a milestone in the progress of the human race.

Quite simply, the new law states that manufacturers of products are no longer responsible for the stupid acts people do with those products, and bear no burden or liability should the consumers maim and/or kill themselves doing things that wouldn't get past a dog's "common sense" meter. As a result, they no longer need to put overly ass-covering warning labels on products. Experts suggest that in 1,000 years, thanks to mewling cabbages wiping themselves out wholesale, the human race will have evolved into super-intelligent beings capable of running the planet without killing and destroying everything they come across.

Evolutionary psychologist Fritz Geoffries elaborates for us:

"There are thousands of adults every day that, for example, use aftershave and hairspray, then get the urge to have a cigarette. However, they are deterred from any shot at a Darwin Award when they see the warning label 'Hey, genius, this object is flammable until dry. If you light up a cigarette now, your face will spontaneously combust and you'll die.' This has gone on long enough. It's time we just say no to idiots. Let them set themselves aflame! Let them fall from the shelf on ladders that are not steps! Let them choke to death on plastic toilet roll holders!"

Mr. Geoffries would've gone on for much longer had he not been assaulted by a roving pack of flesh-eating shrews. For more on the growing rabid shrew problem, see page 6A.

When asked for a response to the bill, the pundits were unusually speechless. "Wow. Somebody finally got something right," one was overheard saying. Another offered, "Us pundits usually have something negative to say about any piece of legislation, media, or aspect of society. But paint me pink, slap my ass, and call me Susan, I don't have a gosh-darn thing to say right now."

The money saved by not requiring inane warning labels, as well as all that now free from lawsuits involving dim-witted plaintiffs, will be channeled into a Federally-sponsored Darwin Awards program. The program will award cash prizes to the families of blatant morons who kill themselves with their own idiocy.

The bill was the brainchild of Senator John McCain (R - AZ). When questioned where the idea for such a stroke of genius came from, Senator McCain had this to say:

Stroke of genius? You wanna see a stroke of genius, come here and take a look at this shit I took yesterday. It's so beautiful I couldn't even flush it. Damn thing should get an honorary diploma from Harvard, I tell you. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, my bill. It's all about common sense; the bill is common sense, and if you don't have common sense, you won't be around to drop a load into the shallow end of the gene pool. I was planning on naming this bill 'Chlorine tablet for the Gene Pool,' but my advisors strongly suggested I didn't. I don't know why I listened to them though. These are the same ones that thought making my 2000 campaign slogan 'I was in Vietnam, you fuckers, elect me!' wouldn't be an especially good idea. What do they know?"

Before we could finish questioning him, Senator McCain walked away, muttering under his breath.

The bill doesn't absolve companies of all responsibility though, as anyone under the age of 12, the mentally handicapped, or the President of the United States cannot be expected to understand the concept of 'Swallow ping pong ball, choke to death.' Anyone over 13, however, is fair game.

Statistical experts expect to see the number of wiffle ball related deaths to skyrocket within a month of the safety labels being removed, and funeral parlors and cemeteries are exhibiting Pavlovian tendencies at the increased business. Funeral parlor operator Remi Morte exclaimed, "This is just what we need to relieve our current economic crisis! It's not enough that people are dying of heart attacks and strokes due to the stress the current recession has put on them."

One of the most outspoken advocates of the bill was financier Ebenezer Scrooge, who encouraged Congress to "...do it (pass the bill), and decrease the surplus population."

With the bill now officially passed into law, consumers can expect to find warning-label-free products hitting shelves in 4 to 6 weeks.

In related news, scientists say they may be close to producing a device that will cause people's heads to implode upon uttering phrases such as "Is our children learning?" or "I invented the Internet!" Senator McCain returned to put in his two cents. "Why couldn't this have been invented in 1999?"

2002, Assimilated Press