As I am typing, I have lost the ability to cry from a long time ago. Why? Because I was so desensitized from my feelings for so long, I can't shed a tear if I wanted to. I have to put up a face that showed no fear, no weakness, nothing else. I'm so tempered by being threatened, beaten up, and ignored. It will probably take a lot of therapy to fix me up back to my human self, but it's too expensive.

I need to sleep.

A couple of years ago, I was in an online relationship. It wasn't pretty, and it was first love on my part. She would do things like go to online personal services, "to meet new friends"

Trust, must trust, trust is needed.

She would keep me updated on her relationships with the friends, right down to the details of how some of them wanted to get into her pants. She waited till much longer before she told me of the guy who almost succeeded.

"Don't worry, I do stuff with lots of guys, it doesn't mean anything"

The worst of it came later. I told her I loved her... I had told her this before, she has replied in kind. Not this time. She tells me that she doesn't want me to tell her that, she doesn't deserve it. This is when I start to get serious doubts as to whether this will work out.

It's love, it has to work.

The next time we talked on the phone the despair washed over me. I held back the tears. "Is everything alright?" she asked. It took effort to hold them back, and it took more to speak.

No! Nothing is alright!

"Yes, it's fine." Of course it's fine, it has to be fine. Letting go, crying, would be giving in to my fear. So I held back

Uncried tears hurt, both in body and in mind.

I haven't cried since. I've wanted to cry, and I've tried to, but with no results. It's an autonomic feature now. Repeat the mantra, "Don't cry, it's all right," strain the muscles, hold those tears back. I have no control over it now, and it feels as if there is something essential missing from me.

Burning Tears, Acid Tears

The only time I've come close, is when I lost my last girlfriend. It makes me wonder, is the loss of such pain, worth the pain?

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