This is writ under the assumption that you have received a veterinarian's instructions and approval.

Disclaimers abound, i.e. I'm not responsible for your ass if you manage to kill your pooch giving it a shot.

I am poor.

When you are poor you learn to economize. You buy forty-watters, you read by sunlight, you seal up the windows with duct tape to keep the heat in during the winter. You learn to shower quickly and to make leftovers taste good. You get cheap pets.

Most pets are cheap until you take them to the vet.

All dogs need to be immunized. They're like kids. Your average puppy should be held to an immunization program lasting until its second year. There's a rich cocktail of medicines, but the most notable vaccine is for Parvo, against the most contagious canine disease there is. Parvo is a messy killer.

Once upon a time we endeavored a small step into the business world and started to breed rottweilers. They came out blue-eyed, twelve to a litter, registered by the AKC. We sold them at six weeks for $250 a pup — a very good price, especially since they were all immunized. Now, breeding animals is tricky business economically. It was extremely difficult to secure a profit because securing a profit meant spending less than $250 per dog during the six weeks that we raised and weaned them. The vet bills for immunization quickly got out of hand. So we found a book at the pet store that explained home immunization of dogs.

So, after going over it once with our vet, we picked up the obligatory syringes and vaccines from the local veterinary supply store and girded ourselves for a long ordeal.

But dogs are tough.

Preamble

For fuck's sweet sake, talk to a vet first.

Now, this applies not only to home application of vaccinations, but also to the rare instances when circumstance calls upon you to administer injection-only medicine to your dog. This is useful even if you're not a cash-strapped dog breeder.

Injection-jection, what's your, uh, route of passage into the skin or muscle

For your purposes, injection is either intramuscular or subcutaneous — into the muscle or under the skin. Intramuscular injections are administered to the back of the thigh muscle while subcutaneous injections go under a ridge of pulled-up skin above the shoulder or on the back of the neck. The vials containing your vaccine will specify where to inject.

Let's just get it over with

A muzzle is a good idea.

Try never to immunize your dog alone. It's very difficult to insert a hair-thin needle into the shoulder or ass of an annoyed, squirming animal. Get someone strong who knows the dog, who can either calm it down or hold it in place. As far as pain goes, injections aren't too hard, but most dogs get a little antsy when they're being swabbed with alcohol and held very very still.

Be aware of the risk of anyphalactic shock or acute allergic response. Either will result in circulatory collapse and an emergency trip to the vet, with the frenzied administration of intravenous adrenaline and oxygen. The most common cause of shock is penicillin, used as preservative in dog vaccines. If there's any reaction in the skin — including hives — desist. Immediately.

Now, once you've selected a spot for injection, swab it thoroughly with cotton doused in alcohol. Get it through the hair. Draw the vaccine out through the vial into the syringe. Point the needle up and depress the plunger to expel any air. No problem if you squirt a little.

You want to penetrate with the needle nearly parallel to the surface of the dog's skin. Dogs have loose hide — this helps them shake off moisture — so in the case of a subcutaneous injection you want to inject into the small space between the skin and flesh with a ridge of skin held up between the fingers. Intramuscular injections don't require any pinching — just a large muscle and a stable dog. Be firm but gentle. Skin is tough, but it's also sensitive.

Now, once you've got the needle in deep enough, pull on the plunger a bit and check the syringe for blood. If you've got blood, you've hit a vessel. You don't want to inject a vessel. This can be deadly. Pull out and try again. If you don't draw any blood, go ahead and depress the plunger slowly, and once your syringe is empty, slide it back out and rub the site of the injection to disperse the medicine. You may want to clean the area again with alcohol.

Chances are the procedure was worse for you than for the dog. Take a deep breath.

Personal experience

Carlson, Delbert G., DVM; Giffin, James M., MD. Dog Owner's Home Veterinary Handbook. Howell: New York. 1980.

Note: In most places, rabies shots are required by law to be administered and certified by a practicing veterinarian.