Wassat? You wanna know how an evil overlord like me landed in a place like this? It's not a kind story, son, so buy some drinks first. For me and you both.

Ahh, shit. That is good. What was it you wanted again? Oh right, the story of how I got here. Alright, here goes:

It all began when I was just starting out as an overlord. I'd just spawned my first horde of hideous minions from their birthing pods deep beneath the Earth's crust and, like many a young dictator of darkness, I was feeling invincible. In fact, I often said so out loud, then laughed hysterically. I'm not really sure why; perhaps I thought it was funny.

Anyway, confident in the abilities of my shadowy shock troops, I began my long trek to the surface, conquering several nations of peaceful mole people along the way and condemning them to eternal servitude in my uranium mines, where the radiation would slowly degenerate their people into blind, imbecile vermin. As my store of precious metals grew, I began to put aside riches for the funding of a great assault on the world above ground. My war machines grew ever larger in preparation for the great cataclysm and my career was poised to take its rightful place among the great villains of the ages. There was only one thing left to do before I could conquer this puny planet.

I needed to create a nemesis.

Now, my repulsive human friend , you may not know this, but it is actually required that the greatest villains have a nemesis before they can attempt to conquer the Earth. Otherwise it's not really fair. I mean, you can do it, but when you get back home all the other villains will give you a look because even though you subjugated all of humanity it's not like there was really anyone trying to stop you. It's a matter of your honor as a domineering scumbag to at least have to contend with some kind of competition as you seek to become the Supreme Dictator of the World.

And so, I set out to remedy this. It wasn't all that hard; all I had to do was locate a rurally based family of three (two parents and one child, ideally male) with a long history of agricultural work and ethical behavior. I found a candidate without much difficulty and before long I was gloating at handsome Caucasian adolescent over the charred corpses of his parents. As the raging inferno of the only home he had ever known burned behind me, I declared my superiority over all puny humans! Under my reign, all humans would be forced into a furnace with flames such as this, where they would serve as fuel for my galactic doomsday devices!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- aheh, a-huck-hock-HOOGH!

Oh geez. Ugh. Sorry about that. Got carried away. I didn't get any on your shoes, did I? No? It all went in the bucket? Thank god he just happened have one handy because-

HAUUUGH!

Huh, oh man. Yeah. I'm alright. Just a little too much to drink. It's fine, it's all out now. Ugh. You still want to hear the story? Yeah, I can finish it. Where the hell was I...

Oh yeah. Gloating. I was going on and on about this end of mankind stuff, right, and this kid, this fucking kid, has the nerve to goddamn interrupt me. He says, and I swear this is true, he says:

"Mister, I will shit in your DREAMS."

Just like that, yeah. I'm standing there in my armor made from the ebony teeth of the soulreaving worm and this kid just deadpans to my face that he will shit in my dreams. I can't take that seriously. No one would have taken that seriously so I'm like:

MUAHAHAHA- yeah, you're right. That's a bad idea. You know what I mean though.

So I leave the kid there and go back home to initiate my world takeover. And you know what? It goes off without a hitch. I'm in the papers everyday of the week, with a front page picture every time. Monday is me burying Washington under a heap of volcanic ash. Tuesday is me dropping California into the sea. Wednesday is me turning Europe into a radioactive wasteland. Even Thursday is me, steamrolling the Pyramids of Giza! It was the good life. Hell, it was the best life. And my nemesis never even showed up, not even to stop my from ascending to the throne of Grand Emperor of the Earth!

In retrospect, I should have suspected something. Maybe have gone back to kill the guy in case his son unseated me in twenty years or something. But no. I was confident. Cocky. Full of HUBRIS. And that would be my downfall.

Because, you see, that kid whose parents I killed, he was a psychic. And psychics, as it turns out, don't make idle threats. Three days into my reign as Grand Emperor I woke up in the middle of the night from the most terrifying nightmare I'd ever had, drenched in my own sweat. It was disgusting, a perfect and kind world... But the worst was yet to come. On the fifth night, a stranger approached me and made derogatory comments about my Mother-Being while I was powerless to resist or even wake up. I started having aides standby to wake me when my nightmares seemed to become too intense, but I was forced to put an end to this after the third murder attempt. There seemed to be no cure to my torment.

Then, one night, two weeks into my reign, I experienced the greatest of horrors. The stranger from my dreams ceased his insults and approached me wordlessly. Every part of my body was paralyzed, even my eyes unable to close. He forced me too the floor and, with one swift movement, removed his pants. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't... I couldn't... It was everywhere. He achieved total coverage. I couldn't take it... I couldn't...

I woke up in a state of shock after that, and quickly became an insomniac. But eventually I would grow weak and, if I so much as catnapped, the brown would be waiting for me. I sent out assassins to find him, but he was too well hidden. I did everything I could to flush him out, executing hostages, offering rewards... Nothing worked. Eventually I had to abdicate in shame, reduced to a shuddering husk by his psychological warfare. It was my only choice but even then... even when he stopped haunting me to become world president, I still dream in brown. The only way out is this, to bury my sorrow in liquor in a dive bar like this. That's what I'm doing on a Thursday afternoon in a place like this, you worm.

MUAHAHHAHAHAHA- HARGH!