Note: There used to be a writeup above by CrashMercury bemoaning the fact that some people seemed to like the idea of sharing their boyfriend with someone else. As I recall, it was difficult to tell if CrashMercury was talking about polyamory, swinging, or something else entirely on the parts of those she was ranting about. I also recall that she said she couldn't understand it at all, and said that some things should stay a fantasy.

We now return you to my original writeup:

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My question is, why must one be possessive of those they love? Why is love an exclusive endeavor?

I was the one who opened her eyes to it. I gave her Stranger in a Strange Land, and other Heinlein to read. Other authors whose names escape me, too.

If you love somebody, set them free. Who says that you have any right to control someone else?

She helped me see what unselfish love was. I took a vow to myself that I would love her completely and unselfishly.

People are free to be monogamous. That is their prerogative. But it is important to realize that faithfulness means different things to different people. I'm hardly an advocate of swinging or pouncing whatever you feel like. But love is in such short supply in this world. What if we indulged?

I could see characteristics and tendencies of her she did not yet know. I gave her carte blanche. One try gave her a scar but it let her be free to be herself, and pursue what she wanted.

Why object to a consensual act by others? Pure, unbridled monogamy may be your thing, but not that of another person. What is important is to keep in mind the emotions of everyone involved.

I married her, accepting her for who she was, is, and would be. Even the limits she would have me follow. "I wouldn't mind it if you took up with him," she said, "just not with her. I know it's a double standard."

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Another Note: I have been informed that the line that reads, "Who says that you have any right to control someone else?" can be construed to mean that I equate monogamy with making demands on one's partner. This is not the case; I actually intended the line as a rejoinder to the title of this node, and it could be rephrased to say "Who says that you have any right to decide to share or not share him?" Obviously, you have the right to leave the relationship if his feelings on being shared are not in line with your own, but the sharing itself is up to him.

I apologize if the notes suck all the life out of the chewy center. It happens.

There were times when jealousy was an issue, of course. Times when he smiled so nicely at her, or talked for hours to him, or did wild favors for anybody, because that's how he is. And I used to frown, or pout, or show some nipple--whatever it took to get him back in my arms.

....where he quickly grew stale, to my shock and terror. Even his skin started to feel like plastic to my disturbed mind as he rotted slowly in my lap, dying like a man but not living like one, not being everything he could be--gasp--if it weren't for me.

So I had to let him out, had to bite the bullet and watch those smiles, even when the women smiled back so damn obviously; but I kept quiet. I spent hours, days, even a few months without him, knowing all the time that his mind, my favorite room in the world, was being used by other people. It was like having strangers sleep in your bed. But he exploded with life from there, and the smiles I recieved were a hundred times sweeter recycled. The more he asked to go out, the more I let him, and the happier and more eagerly he came home.

My mother asked me one day how I could stand sharing him with anybody and everything that came along like that. I smiled. "I'm not sharing him," I laughed. "I'm showing him off."

You ask interesting questions, CrashMercury, but there is a multitude of questions that you might want to ask yourself in turn.

How can one possibly be expected, nay, commanded by morality and reason, to deny one's most beloved person a pleasure for the purely selfish reason that it doesn't involve oneself?

Why should I be jealous? What is it that is detracted from my husband of he has sex with another woman? Is he now a different person? Has he changed physically or emotionally? Had he given away a bit of love that can now never be mine?

I am incapable of jealousy on purely sexual grounds. I can, vrey occasionaly, be jealous of my loved ones' time, of their affection - but of their bodies? What reason on earth do I have to be that?

There's a remarkably long-standing notion in Western society that says -- get this! -- sexual relations between a husband and wife should be exclusive. This notion tends to carry over to boyfriend/girlfriend and SO relationships, even though they're really nothing like a marriage (in the sense that there's no spoken commitment or vow of permanence involved).

So why isn't this always the case? Some people are voyeurs and enjoy watching other people having sex in front of them. Some people like imagining they're that other guy or other girl and watching "themselves" having sex from a third person perspective. Some people just like getting to live out their MMF and MFF fantasies.

To these or any other similar ends, some people enjoy sharing their SO with another man or woman (or both). If you don't, make sure you're clear on that in the beginning. It may help make sure you're not surprised by your SO suggesting it later on after the novelty of sex with you has started to wear thin.