Hurry, think, grandma is dying
That is what has been pounding
through my head
for the past couple of weeks. Tonight the pounding has ceased, and my brain has officially melted
Speaking of brains, my grandma has an inoperable brain tumor. We just found this out about two weeks ago. She was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, but it was minor as far as cancer goes.
Now this is where my story comes in. Granted it is long, but I don't have anyone else to tell it to. I have to get this off my chest.
My mom's parents died when she was decently young so she went into foster care. Well, in the end the lady who I now know as Grandma T. adopted her.
From the day I was born, Grandma T has always been my grandma, but things never felt right between us. She never seemed to care much about what I did or that I was even alive. Every time that I talked to her I had to hear about how great my cousin was. While I was growing up this really bothered me. I, like most children, needed people to show that they were proud of me and that they loved me. Needless to say, I got neither of these from my Grandma T.
Through the years, I cried lots because of her. My mom knew how much Grandma hurt me. The thing is I don't know if Grandma knew it. She just seemed so distant from me that it was likely she didn't even know she ignored my existence.
Well, I grew out of the childhood years as fast as I stopped letting grandma's words and actions hurt me. When I finally realized that I didn't need Grandma's approval to indicate that I was a good person, I pushed the hurt away. I didn't let what she did hurt me anymore. It was her loss that she didn't get to know me.
The thing is that I am feeling a loss right now, and I don't know what to do with it. I called my mom from college tonight. She told me that Grandma stopped eating. Mom said that she acknowledges that people are there, but that is about all she does. Hospice said that she had anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks left. I was flabbergasted that she was that close to dying. Just a week ago she was fine.
Anyway, the decision that I was trying to make while this "Hurry, think, grandma is dying" thing was going through my mind was whether or not to let Grandma T. know how much she has hurt me. In a sense, all I want is an understanding. I want to know why she treated me as she did. Or if she even realized that she did. On the other hand, I didn't want to cause her more pain than she has already been through.
I guess that I don't have to worry about that anymore. I feel as if things have been violently ripped out of my hands, and I have to suffer whatever regrets fly my way. This really pisses me off, though. I wanted to make a decision on my own.
Reality is we don't always get what we want. I am stuck not being able to tell my grandma what I may or may not need to tell her. I don't even have time to find out what the fuck my brain is saying to me before she dies. How in the hell can I have time to figure out what I need to say to her?