I really don't dislike this type of music in principle. There is certainly a thing as good, original electroclash. However, the fact that this sub-genre has come to emphasise image and irony over everything else, coupled with its seemingly ever-increasing popularity, has begun to rub me the wrong way. Therefore, in hopes of super-saturating the market and thereby bringing down the electroclash machine, I present to you:

How to make electroclash

  • Listen obsessively to '80s synthpop records. Focus on anything by Gary Numan, The Eurythmics, The Human League, and Depeche Mode. For a little extra credibility, pick up some Kraftwerk and Throbbing Gristle.
  • Sample the living hell out of the above. Remember, good artists borrow, great artists steal.
  • Pick up a cheap synth and a drum machine. The older and cheaper-sounding these are, the better. Remember, you're trying to sound ironic, not "good." Write a simple bassline. If you can't play it with two fingers, it's probably too complex. Add some beats of the same level of complexity. Use a sequencer to put them all together.
  • Time to write the lyrics. The content of the lyrics doesn't really matter as much its tone, which should be ironically detached and self-deprecating. Some good subjects (and their respective keywords) are:

    This is not an exhaustive list. Any subject is fair game as long as you can use it to highlight the emptiness of life in an ironic fashion. Please note that actually singing these lyrics is discouraged: aim for a flat, monotone delivery.

  • Now for the most important part: your look. If female, you should try to look sleazy and ravaged: think a mixture of Euro-trash and coke-whore. Men should take their inspiration from David Bowie in his glam-rock period. You will probably spend more time on perfecting your look than on any other aspect of the band. Remember, there is no such thing as too much makeup.
  • Playing live: avoid such traditional venues as bars and clubs. Try to play in art galleries, warehouses and lofts. The less your venue resembles a place meant for having fun, the better.
  • Record an "ironic" version of a cheesy '80s pop song2. Suggested artists to cover are Giorgio Moroder, Grace Jones, and The B-52s. Remember, your average audience member grew up with these songs, and will welcome any opportunity to listen to them while still appearing "hip."
  • Never, ever, ever allow anyone to describe you as "electroclash."

1 Except for Naugahyde.
2 Sorry, "Sunglasses at Night" has already been done.

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