Global warming. We all know it's going on. Florida and China are inching closer and closer to becoming giant sinkholes. How do we stop it? Here are some ideas:

1. Giant orbital bottle of SPF 50 sunblock

Originally proposed by Dave Barry. If sunscreen can keep solar radiation from burning your skin, who's to say it wouldn't work on the Earth? We could even get some fragrance manufacturers from Paris to make it smell nice.

2. Flood the West Bank

A certain geology professor at a certain International University in Florida that shall remain nameless semi-seriously proposed this. Since the Dead Sea is so far below sea level, why not dig a trench from the Red Sea and drain some excess ocean water into the West Bank? If Fox News is to be believed, all they have over there is suicide bombers and Yasser Arafat. Sure, we might lose Jerusalem, but how many times has Jerusalem been lost in human history? I rest my case. Let terrorists put on scuba gear and fight over the Holy Land, but at least save Miami!

3. Flood Death Valley

Come on, do we really need a big, steamy hellhole in the middle of nowhere in California, even if it's a National Monument? California's gonna become an island anyway, why not expedite the process a bit? All that desert is going to waste!

4. Propel the earth into a farther orbit

If Earth is getting too warm where it is, let's build some Orion engines with all those nukes we have lying around and push it into an orbit farther from the sun. Hell, maybe Texas would be a livable state then!

5. Move to higher ground

After all, you can't go skiing in the swamp.

6. Buy electric and fuel cell cars, build dams and tidal power generators, convert the Sahara Desert to a solar farm...

Nah, too much trouble.

Response from the Pentagon:

I think that all of these ideas are valid but they only try to staunch the ever growing problem of rising ocean levels. And all of it is far too little. Turning the Dead Sea and Death Valley into ocean fed lakes would barely skim a millimeter off of ocean levels and eventually we'd run out of higher ground to run to. These are solutions of retreat, solutions of cowardice, not solutions of combat.

What we need is to attack the problem head on, to directly confront the rising of tides. We must storm the beaches and send in the boys. We must bring the fight to the ocean and stand at the shore holding it at bay. Cooling the planet and reducing global warming would help but it is increasingly evident that all of this is too little, too late. Furthermore, such hampering of our economy and those of our super-power developing neighbors on this island Earth would be directly in conflict with the mandate of the American people. And frankly the option of exploding our stockpike of nuclear/nucular devices is tempting but would deplete our stock of peacekeeping devices that hold our ally Red China at bay.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Neighbors, Fellow Citizens and Backwards Foreigners, the way is clear:

WE'LL BLOW UP THE OCEAN!

From the desk of Cobra Commander.

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