A "glass dick" is a glass pipe used by drug addicts to smoke any sort of powdered substance. It is a glass tube with a bowl at the end of it and a hole in one side of the bowl. They're called "glass dicks" because you get the feeling of sucking on a dick when you smoke out of it.

Most people that smoke crack or speed (the two most common drugs used in glass dicks,) make them at home. It is rare that you can find a pipe suitable for smoking hard drugs for sale in your local head shop. Oftentimes they'll sell the glass tube that can be used for the creation of a pipe, but it will lack the bowl and the hole in one end.

That being said, I shall now explain to you how to make a glass dick, so that if you ever find yourself in the situation for an emergency crack smoking session you will be fully prepared.

The first thing you need, of course, is the glass tube. Usually you can pick these up at your local gas station or liquor store. When you get to the counter, look around at everything on display to be sold. The most common instrument is the little glass tube with a single satin flower in it. One side of the flower has a sticky piece of cork on it. I have no idea what these flowers in a glass tube are REALLY for, I doubt some girl would be happy to get it as a present from her boyfriend, and the only people I've ever known to purchase them were crackheads and speed freaks.

I used to have a wall dedicated to the little sticky flowers. There must have been 100 of them stuck up there.

If you can't find the little flower in a tube, there is always the air freshener containers. For some reason gas stations sell liquid air freshener in a little glass bottle. These are much harder to manipulate into a pipe and should only be used if you can't find anything better, with thinner glass. The hard edges of the air freshener are very difficult to heat up and should be avoided if possible.

Once you've procured a piece of glass suitable for blowing a pipe, I recommend you boil it. This is especially important for the air freshener! You can clean the air freshener out of it, wash it with soap and water, and you will still never be able to remove the smell. It's really disgusting to smoke something that tastes like lilac. If you boil the glass piece for a while it will burn off any remaining smells, tastes, and toxins, and get it hot enough to be primed for a good blowing.

It's now time to blow your glass dick.

The best tool at this point is of course a blow torch. If you're using an air freshener a blow torch is a must. You can buy these at Home Depot or any hardware store, and you only have to buy ONE. You can make hundreds of pipes with just one blow torch.

As a crackhead or a speed freak a blow torch is a very handy thing to have, not just for blowing the pipe, but also for heating up the substance. Lighters work fine for that but tend to have the affect of exploding if you get them too hot, plus if the flame goes out you will burn your fingers trying to re-light it.

If you can't get a blow torch, a gas stove works just as well. Do not try and make a pipe out of the air freshener bottle on the gas stove. The stove will simply not get hot enough to melt the bottle. If you're using a thin glass tube the gas stove will work fine.

Let's start blowing.

The first thing you do is hold the closed end of the pipe in the flame until it burns red hot. This may take a while. Be careful not to hold it in too far or you will heat it up all the way to the end where your fingers are. If you have this problem, try some metal salad tongs or other tool like that to hold it.

Once the closed end of the pipe is glowing red hot, lower your face to the open end and put your mouth on it. Blow very slowly. If you blow fast and hard you will pop the closed end -- which you want to do eventually -- but you won't have a bowl. If you blow slowly and softly, you will see the red hot end of the pipe start to expand into a little bubble. The bigger the bubble, the better. This is going to be the hardest part at first and will take you quite a while to master.

Once you feel that the bowl on the end of your pipe is a sufficient size, (you'll want it bigger if you're going to be smoking a lot of crack, or with a lot of people, smaller if it's just a personal pipe,) it's time to make the hole.

Making the perfect hole is another thing you have to perfect. I recommend blowing very slowly but firmly until one side of the glass pops. It will pop at first into a very small hole with a little bit of glass sticking up at the edges. To smooth it out, hold it in the flame a bit longer and continue to blow until the hole expands. Be careful not to make the hole too big or all your crack will fall out!

When you feel that your dick is now perfect and ready to smoke out of, you need to cool it down. DO NOT PUT IT IN WATER. Too many crackheads make this mistake only to discover later that there is a large structural crack in their new piece.

I recommend you either remove it from the flame but continue to blow through it, or just wave it around in the air for a while. When it's cooled down enough to set it down without denting it, set it on a countertop and leave it there for a while.

Do not set it on a towel, or you will get fuzzy lints stuck to the side of it that you will never be able to remove.

And now, you have the perfect glass dick. Happy smoking crackheads!

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