How the ravaging came to be

It all began post September 11. Everyone basically started to agree that our economy had seriously fucked itself up. And while all of the yuppies in my neighborhood treated this news like it was the apocalypse, buying gas masks for their anal-retentive, prematurely balding faces... I began to notice a new phenomenon slowly creeping its way into the butt crack of pop culture- literally. The bigwigs behind the strip mall, Wal-Mart, and even the fashion industry were subtly hatching a plan to lead everyone to a patriotic pen of conformity. And it is being splayed over every vain and callow teenage girl's breasts, every soccer mom's SUV, and soon, every single opportunity for a sticker receptacle on the planet.

Because the manufacturers of America wanted everyone to buy American... they decided to market the U.S. of A flag to everyone on the entire fucking planet .

I can only imagine what's next:

"Hey! You! Come buy the Star-Spangled Schlong! Comes complete with crappy American made batteries and real autographs from the Bush sisters right on the head!

"Honey, do you think that this flag bra 'n panty set accentuates the heavy layers of adipose I got from eating at McDonald's, the bane of post-industrial society?"

"Hey kids, do you think that these red, white and blue TV dinners that I bought for you look too much like industrial sludge? Oh... wait... it is radioactive waste... . (Insert neglectful parent laughter here)

By now you're probably thinking, "Who does this girl think she is? Jerry Falwell? What right does she have to condemn a good, clean way of making money?" Well folks, if you think that raping the American ideals that we were supposedly supposed to obtain over 300 years and creating a conformist society is your idea of a picnic... be my guest. But I've got the law to back me up here. Check it out:

American Flag Laws and Regulations

From Section 4 of the laws concerning the flag:

(b). The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise. Whoa!! We supposedly patriotic Americans are really fucking it up here. What happens when you wash your American flag thong? Throw it on the floor? Dress up your $400 dollar Beanie Baby with it? I won't even get into the other manifestations of the American flag merchandise here- suffice it to say that this law is not being followed or even nodded to by any stretch of the imagination.

(d) The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery. It should never be festooned, drawn back, nor up, in folds, but always allowed to fall free. ...Pretty obvious here. I guess that the Republican corporations of America and George Bush had a few deals under the table about this one.

(i) The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. Damn! I bet Jiffy Lube, Tri-County Jacuzzi, and Folger's are smarting over the ensuing lawsuits over their cheesy September 11 "condolence" ads (like anyone cares that the people that make mediocre oil and coffee beans are claiming to pray for you to increase their yearly revenue).

I realize that the representation of the American flag is not, technically, the American flag itself, and is not subject to the laws that govern the use and care of one. I realize this renders most of my arguments as moot. But that's not the point. I think we as American citizens should, for once, back off and respect an institution that should not only be revered but sacred to our sense of patriotism. Loving your country, or yourself for that matter isn't always about hitting up K-Mart at 3 in the morning or believing Richard Simmons in those QVC informercials. It's not always about buying stuff, and fuck any company who gives in to the herd mentality and tries to sell you an idea. This may not be the flag-burning days of the '60s. But the next time you use the back of a mini-van to purvey some political agenda, you're just repeating history.

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