Dear reader:

Let's talk.

No, for real, let's talk.

Let's talk about everything that makes you who you are, and what you are. Let's figure out if we have any common ground to stand on and if we can just... get along.

Let's really examine each other. Yeah, I drink a lot of beer and smoke too many cigarettes. I love music. Some day I want to write music for a living. I wanna be a rock and roll star. I want to be the modern version of Beethoven.

What about you? Who are you? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Sometimes I get tired of the internet in general. I sit at work all day and make web pages and then I come home and update BlackRage, or write about stuff on everything. I think of new ideas that will be funny to half the world and enrage the other half, in hope that both halves will come here and at least be affected by something. Or that someone will read about music and be enlightened. or something.

Maybe I want you to be affected because so little affects me these days. I feel forty when I'm only 21. I play video games to escape. I go look at other websites because I want to see if maybe someone from my generation feels like I do. If maybe someone isn't destroying themselves solely for your entertainment. If someone can create an engaging, entertaining story without lying to you about who they are. If maybe someone is just being honest enough to not lie to you.

The world in general disappoints me. It's upsetting that everyone wants to buy so much stuff and have this and make this much money and you very rarely hear of anyone really doing what it is they want to do. Or even knowing what it is they like to do. People concentrate their passions on less desireable things and then leave nothing for creation or philanthropy.

It's kind of sad but you validate my days and nights sometimes. You make getting up in the morning worthwhile. All I've ever wanted to do was create something and give it to people. I'd like to think that out of the fifteen people that go to BlackRage to see me and my friends on a regular basis at least one or two of you aren't our detractors. That you'd like to see us succeed.

I've always hoped (and was raised with the notion) that it's enough to be good. Going from one year of conservatory study to the real world has taught me that it isn't enough to be good. It's not enough to be a good person, or good at something.

I don't believe in God because I don't think he knows who I am.

I don't believe in God because if the torture he has put me through is part of his master plan then he is inconsiderate of my needs as one of His children.

I don't believe in God because I don't think he believes in me.

I don't believe in anything sometimes. Sometimes it's just too damn hard.

It would be so easy to settle and give up. To just let go and accept my life as an ordinary citizen of the world. To have a regular, unextraordinary life.

I am not a passenger on Spaceship Earth. I'm a composer, I'm a writer, I'm a poet, I'm a comedian. And I live in Texas.

It's difficult or me to be this honest with you, because personal honesty on the internet leads to attrition, preterition, and dissociation if not defilement and spite. No one wants to hear the truth. No one wants to know who you really are. They just want to see the pretty pictures and get to know you on a supply and demand basis.

Why do you think that is? Is it too boring?

I'll admit it. I'm a fame whore. I keep BlackRage alive as the slumbering, lumbering, stumbling drunken beast it is because it's nice to think that somewhere someone is engaging in an activity I have provided for them. Somewhere, someone is looking at what I've done. At that moment the reaction doesn't matter so much as the very fact that someone is out there, reading.

Somewhere, someone is trying to go home again. I know you can't.

I promise I'll give you more music nodes soon. It's what I'm supposed to do here on everything, but sometimes I have to do something else so I can keep doing the thing I'm supposed to.

Tell me that you love me
but don't forget who you are...


Yours truly,
Beltane

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