"I have never even seen a butt plug, let alone used one."
- Testimony of Major W. H. Schwarz from The Rangoon Trial, 1982
In 1982 a trial was held in Rangoon, Myanmar. This trial caught the world's attention. Two ex U.S. Marines - Major W. H. Schwartz and Lieutenant Steve Blackthorpe, and an American businessman, Henry Wheaton, were on trial for the assassination of the president of Myanmar, Min Tyint. The three were found guilty and summarily executed by hanging, but the media were more interested in the method of assassination. Never before had the murder methods of the world's leading countries been available to the public. The international presses covered the trial extensively, but this coverage ended abruptly as reporters began disappearing and dying of, apparently, natural causes and accidents. This persuaded the reporters who were not yet dead to stop covering the story. The United States government began an extensive cover up operation, and the government's secrets were soon forgotten. But not completely forgotten. I bring you here one of the most chilling true stories of all time - the U.S. government's dispatching of several third world leaders in the 70's and 80's.
"We will remain the world's policeman."
- Gerald R. Ford, U.S. President, interview to Time magazine, 1976.
After the Vietnam War, the United States realised that they could not tolerate another war, and began developing new methods of 'dealing' with foreign countries they disagreed with. The most obvious (and effective) method was simply to dispatch of the leader and either replace him with a 'puppet', or simply hope that a better one will take his place. In the late 1970's and early 1980's, the United States executed no fewer than 13 heads of state, all leaders of third world countries. But not a single shot was fired, and only in one case, in Myanmar, was the assassination traced back to the United States. How did they do it?
"These people can't even make an omelette! How can I teach them how to make a coulis?!"
- Chef Jacques Brille to Major General Jeff Tynes, 1975 (recorded conversation)
After the Vietnam War, several handpicked
soldiers were taken from their units and put in a special training facility
. They were to become America's executioners. They were put through a rigorous
training schedule, decided upon by professors from leading universities, most notably Yale
and University of Wyoming
, all experts in their fields. Among the trainers were officers
, animal handlers
and even several male prostitutes
. This was an operation never before attempted in the world of combat. Several methods of execution were considered, but finally one was agreed upon, because it could be undertaken in any third world country, was efficient, deadly and untraceable. Also, it required very few weapons
, namely a butt plug and a litre of raspberry coulis
. Therefore, as part of their training, the agents learned how to make raspberry coulis and how to insert a butt plug.
"The brightest minds in the world today."
- General Harold Tinmeyer, address to U.S. Congress, 1976
While researching the project, Prof. John Adams, a geography professor from Princeton, noticed that all third world countries had either rainforest or desert as a large part of their land area. This on one hand posed a problem - the climates were very different. On the other hand, it was encouraging, as if a common denominator could be found between the desert and the rainforest, the solution might be nearer. The common denominator turned out to be a single enzyme. Gibbons and mongooses are the only mammals with the enzyme β glutamide. Gibbons live in rainforests; mongooses live in deserts. β glutamide is an enzyme that is used for the generation of parts of the cornea, but interestingly enough, also has a catalytic effect in the transformation of typtophyl chloride to serotonin. Normally, in animals, only tryptophan is converted to serotonin, but mongooses and gibbons can also manufacture serotonin from tryptophyl chloride. Another interesting fact is that while only 1% of tryptophan is converted, virtually all tryptophyl chloride will be converted to serotonin. Tryptophyl chloride is found naturally in very few plants. Its highest concentration is in raspberry.
For those of you unfamiliar with serotonin - it is a neurotransmitter. Too much serotonin in the bloodstream leads to mania.
Although the course of action was becoming clear - one major obstacle remained - how to get the mammals' bodies to produce large amounts of β glutamide? After about 6 months of research, it was found that stimulation of the prostate gland will cause the body to produce copious amounts of the enzyme. Luckily, mongooses and gibbons have similarly sized anuses. And their anuses are very large for their bodies. In fact, their anuses are approximately the same size as a human anus. So their prostate can easily be stimulated with a butt plug.
"Do not become too friendly with the gibbon."
- Speaker identity unknown, U.S. Secret Agent Training Video
Following is the outline for assassination in the manual the soldiers were given. This is an actual transcript of part of the manual. How it was procured is not important. What is important, however, is the bone-chilling detail in which every step in the murder of a world leader is described.
Note: The following are instructions for a single assassin. Instructions for multiple assassins (as was the case in Myanmar) are not given here as they are very similar and this is for illustrative purposes only.
- Arrive in third world country as a businessman, wanting to trade in the country's primary export. Credentials will be provided by the U.S. government.
- Seek an audience with the president. Because the primary export accounts for over 50% of the country's income in over 70% of third world countries, this should suffice to ensure a meeting will take place.
- Make 1 litre of raspberry coulis, as taught by Chef Brille.
- Set out to catch a male gibbon/mongoose. With both gibbons and mongooses, the male is easily discernable from the female: the male has a penis. Use 100 ml of the coulis to catch the gibbon/mongoose. The 900 ml will be used later. Capturing the animal will be as follows: pour 100 ml of the coulis on the ground, and when the animal comes to drink it, capture it.
- Before meeting the president, take a long shower, making sure you are well washed. This will remove most of your body odor, ensuring the president will have a stronger odor than you.
- 20 minutes before meeting the president, feed the rest of the coulis to the gibbon/mongoose.
- Assure the security personnel the gibbon/mongoose is your pet, and enter the waiting room.
- When you are called to enter the meeting, firmly insert the butt plug up the animal's butt, and twist it gently at least 5 times (like you practiced in training).
- Enter the meeting, holding the animal by the nape with one hand, with the other hand securing the butt plug. Insist that the meeting is to be in private. The credentials supplied should be enough to assure this.
- When the animal is reaching a high point of mania, release it into the president's face. Gibbons have incisors that are over an inch long. Likewise mongooses. They are also surprisingly powerful. With such a high concentration of serotonin in the blood, they will kill the president with a 98.7% certainty. They will not attack you, as the president's body odor should be much more powerful than yours.
- (addendum) Further studies have shown that while the butt plug is firmly inserted, the animal's inability to defecate inhibits the natural signals from the brain to the stomach to signify satiety (fullness), and thus to stop eating. Therefore, the gibbon or mongoose will in fact begin to eat the president and not stop. This will give the mongoose a bloated appearance, but is in fact possible, as 80% of the body is water, which will be lost through involuntary urination. In 5 minutes, the president will have disappeared and all that will be left is a pool of water.
- Pick the animal up by the nape again, exit the room and tell the secretary it is late and you are tired of waiting for the president to come. Say you will call to reschedule. Certain the president was in the room before but seeing evidence to the contrary, the secretary will be confused. You must use this opportunity to exit quickly.
This document has been published at great personal risk to the author
. It has been published in order to bring to public awareness the horrendous acts of inhumanity undertaken by the United States government, in hope that these acts will never be repeated.
Thanks to an unnamed source for bringing these atrocities to my attention.