Note: the examples mentioned here are purely hypothetical and are not, I repeat not, taken from real life. Any resemblance to the behaviors of people I may have slept with in recent months is completely coincidental. Really. Would I write vicious humor about one of my exes? Surely you know me better than that.

Before the Visit

When making plans for her visit to you, compassion, respect, and good manners should always be present in your mind. Let us say, for example, that during her visit the two of you will be attending a conference together, and other ladies whose intimate acquaintance you crave are likely to be there. There are many ways of dealing with the potential complications of such a visit, and some of them are much less abrasive than others. For example:

She says: "Since we are to share a hotel room at this conference, I would appreciate it if, should you meet another lady you wish to be intimate with, you restrained yourself to simply getting her phone number and arranging a liaison with her at another time."
A Bad Answer: (incredulous tone of voice) "You want me not to go hunting at the conference? Are you nuts?"
A Better Answer: "I understand you don’t feel comfortable with my seeing other ladies during the conference, but you and I don’t have an exclusive relationship. There will be many old friends at this conference who live far away, and I don’t see them often. I don’t want to rule out the possibility of a liaison. Can we find another way to help you feel more comfortable?"

Asking the lady, "Can my other lady friend stay in the hotel room with us?" is utterly rude and should not be done, unless the two ladies in question are best friends or sisters. If in fact they are, this is a bad way to let them know that you are being intimate with both of them, if they don’t already know.

Domestic Hygiene

Receiving an intimate lady friend in your own home calls for a certain degree of preparation if you wish to show respect and courtesy. If you don’t give a shit, feel free to leave the piles of empty soda cans lying around the house. Um, you do consider getting laid a good thing, right? Just checking.

While the bachelor squalor of your bedchamber may be a comfort to you, it is unlikely to impress your guest. The following are recommended:

  • Remove the piles of dirty laundry.
  • Remove the piles of clean laundry. (Folding it and putting it into dresser drawers is optimal, but if this would kill you, then just shove it in the closet.)
  • Remove the composting piles of magazines and bills. A garden rake may be helpful.
  • While many people are ignorant of this fact, books are happiest on bookshelves.
  • Clean up the change. Yes, we realize it is very convenient to use your floor as a change purse, but it suggests a total disdain for niceties like vacuuming. Also, if your mattress is on the floor, frolicking may extend off the bed and onto the carpet, which may result in the lady finding coins in the crack of your ass during an intimate moment later in the evening. Note: most ladies agree that finding coins in the crack of a gentleman’s ass is emphatically not sexy.
  • Once the change is out of the way, actual vacuuming might be a good idea. Especially if you have pets.
  • Put fresh sheets on the bed before her arrival. Asking her to help you get the sheets out of the clean laundry and make the bed is gauche, though it is still better than offering to frolic with her on sheets that have obviously seen hard use. Note: both spooge and lube leave visible marks on most bed-linens.

Personal Habits

If you discover that you can do something freakish with your anatomy that grosses your guest out enormously--say, stretching your scrotum out to the size of a dinner plate--politeness and consideration demand that you stop doing it when she expresses her distaste. No matter how entertaining you find her squeals of horrified disgust, it is bad manners to stretch your scrotum out to the size of a dinner plate 500 times in a row. By the 500th time, the lady will be considering how to make sure that you never do this again. The method she comes up with is likely to involve freon and a hammer.

On the Matter of Frustration

Arousing the lady and then going off to do something else instead of helping her attain satisfaction is not recommended. Doing this repeatedly during a visit is both bad manners and medically dangerous. To you, not her. Blue ovaries are not fatal, while being beaten over the head with furniture (which such behavior may inspire her to try) often is. If you are going to start something, you had damn well better be prepared to finish it. If you’re not up to finishing it, don’t start. Engage in non-sexual contact with her instead. Odds are she will find a nice non-erotic cuddle or backrub a vastly more pleasant experience than being kissed, nibbled, licked, stroked, and then abandoned because you remembered that you had to send some email.

If you awaken the lady in the wee hours of the morning to perform a sick, twisted, disgusting act of perversion that gets her incredibly aroused but does not help her reach orgasm, it is recommended that you immediately follow it with a sick, twisted, disgusting act of perversion that DOES help her reach orgasm. The alternative of rolling over and falling asleep leaves you in a rather dangerous position: unarmed and unconscious next to a woman who is now a seething mass of frustration and rage, and who is visualizing how you would look wearing a loop of your own intestines as a necktie. Does that sound like a safe place to fall asleep? No? Take the hint.

While falling asleep immediately after sex acts is rude and thoughtless, falling asleep DURING sex acts is much, much worse. The fact that we need to actually TELL you this is incredibly sad.

However, even worse than falling asleep during sex acts is doing so and then denying that you did it. If the eyes are shut, the mouth is snoring, and the hands stopped doing the thing they were doing, denying that you fell asleep is only going to make you look even more pathetically clueless than you already do. And the lady will wonder, "Does he really think I’m stupid enough to believe that?" If the answer to that question is "yes", she is legally allowed to duct-tape you naked to a tree. Really. It’s a Federal law.

Boundaries and Respecting Them

Sometimes, sick, twisted, disgusting acts of perversion feel wonderful. Sometimes, however, they don’t. In the absence of a clearly negotiated safeword, pay attention to the lady’s comments. If they sound like "AAAIGH! No no no no no! Too much! Stop! Ow ow ow!", there is a strong possibility that she is not enjoying the proceedings, and you should stop. Once you have stopped, pay attention to her behavior. If she is curled up in a fetal ball or twitching and whimpering, she is likely to be in a state of nervous overload. Ask before touching her. If she does want to be touched, you should do so in a firm yet very gentle way. Nervous overload can make a person extremely ticklish as well as making any strong sensations very painful.

No matter how curious you are about the noise it will cause her to make, DO NOT reach over and viciously pinch one of her nipples while she is in a state of nervous overload. This is likely to make her start crying, and can also cause sudden nausea. Also, such a pinch convinces her nervous system that you are The Enemy, and can cause difficulty if you wish to have sex with her in the future. In some cases, it can cause difficulty if you wish to have sex with anybody else in the future, as the lady may be inspired by your behavior to grab the nearest sharp object and stab it through your genitals.

In Case of Emergency

Sometimes the details of an intimate liaison can go wrong. Badly wrong. Badly to the tune of tissue damage and hemorrhaging wrong. If you have inadvertently caused your guest such an injury, it is not recommended that you leave her to tend it alone while you go and check your email. This is likely to send the message that you really don’t give a shit if she lives or dies, and as a result, she may come to the conclusion that she doesn’t really give a shit if you live or die. And if the hemorrhaging continues for over an hour--entirely possible, as tears to the mucous membranes are slow to close--she may start thinking of ways to hasten your demise.

The proper way to deal with such an emergency is to approach the lady with an attitude of calm concern. Do not attempt to touch the injury. Good things to say at this time include:

  • How badly does it hurt?
  • Do you think you need to go to the emergency room?
  • Would you like some painkillers?
  • Shall I get you an ice pack and some towels?
  • Are you scared?
  • May I hold you?
  • What else can I do to help?

Behavior like this demonstrates that you have compassion for her. It can also drastically increase your life expectancy.

Unhappy Endings

In the case of a liaison that goes badly wrong (as may happen to bachelors who have not read these Hints), you may find that your lady friend wishes to end her intimate relationship with you. It can be difficult to find a polite response to such a declaration, and you should be careful not to blurt out something insulting.

A Bad Answer: "What a relief. I’ve been trying to figure out how to break up with you without sounding like an asshole."
Another Bad Answer: "Thank you. This is really convenient for me."
A Better Answer: "It took courage to do that, and I respect your decision."

In the wake of such an experience, there are two lessons to be learned: It is important to treat your intimate friends with compassion and respect. And it is not a good idea to piss off writers.

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