Harold the Giraffe was the mascot for the Life Education people (the Australian equivalent of DARE, except they covered sex too). These humourless fascists would visit our primary school annually in a campervan and attempt to brainwash us into believing that drugs were an evil beyond comparison. I can't remember anything they said about sex.

Harold featured heavily in the printed propaganda which each child recieved as part of the week-long Life Ed visit (Harold Says: Smoking Kills!, etc), but he was also incarnated in the form of a hand puppet. Each year level would take it in turns to visit the van and be told by both Harold and his "friends" (and any friend of Harold's must be a good person) about the terrors of drug use. And presumably, about wearing condoms or something.

I can only recall three specific incidents from these sessions. The first was when the air conditioning malfunctioned and moisture started dripping from the roof. The second involved some nonsensical comparison between drug use and dying one's hair green (both have to do with peer pressure, see? Would you dye your hair green just because your friends did it? No! So why do drugs?).

The third is far more amusing. We children were told to imagine a future scenario in which we were offered drugs by one of the "cool kids", something which we were assured was bound to happen at secondary school the next year. Well it didn't happen until Year Eight for me, so there's lie #1. Anyhow, one by one we were told to find a different way to Just Say No. Dutifully, each child did so, some taking the opportunity to shout "FUCK OFF!" much to everyone else's entertainment. I, anti-drugs due to the fact that my parents' smoking irritated me to no end, first asked what kind of drugs they were, and upon being informed that it did not matter, bowed my head and obeyed. But when it came to the one now known as geekaus...

Harold: Average Child, would you like some... drugs?
Average Child: No, drugs are bad. And I can be Cool Without Drugs.
Harold: Very good, obedient child. Excellent, yes. Now, geekus: Do you want some... drugs?
geekaus: Yes!
(pause). Harold looks confused, insofar as this is possible for a hand puppet.
Harold: No, that's not good. Let's try agai...
geekaus: YES! I WANT DRUGS!
Harold:(very patiently)Now, geekaus, have you been listening to what we've been teaching you?
geekaus: My answer to your question is, Yes, I want Drugs.
etc.

We were all pissing ourselves. The episode culminated in Harold cracking the shits badly and excommunicating geekaus from the caravan. This was pretty ironic considering we'd just had a whole lecture on how you must Think For Yourself and not do things just because other people say it's a good thing to do. A wonderful display of tolerance, too - the problem child is simply kicked out of the group. One assumes they favour heavy jail terms for dirty drug users.

Perhaps, without Harold, I would never have thought much about drugs, and would be Drug Free even now. Perhaps if I had listened to his lies and believed them more wholeheartedly, I would also. But the truth is, I don't think Harold's words ever had much of an effect either way. Who listens to what a giraffe has to say?

And furthermore, really, what does a bloody giraffe have to do with either drugs OR sex anyway?! It reminds me of that South Park episode with Sexual Harassment Panda. Heh heh.