When Hanuman was born, his mother was a monkey,
I don't know why she was a monkey but she was,
I'm not Hindu but trust me, I read this once, so listen,
Hanuman's mom also wanted her son to be Shiva, so
she prayed to Shiva and asked him if that'd be cool,
and he's Shiva, he does shit like that, so he said yeah,
and thus Hanuman was born.

Well, here's the thing about Hanuman,
he was pretty much an asshole to people,
like one of those fucking gibbons that take your stuff,
but they're so cute you forgive them anyway, they're gibbons,
well that's pretty much how the forest sages dealt with it,
for a while, but what goes around comes around,
so, yeah, they went and cursed his ass,
Hanuman was cursed to forget how awesome he was,
unless someone told him, Hanuman, hey, come on, man,
you're a cool guy, people like you and shit,
come on! it's not like you can die, right?
and you're, what, an avatar of Shiva?
so how's about perking up, Sourpuss.

Skipping ahead a bit, there's this guy, he's hanging out in the mountains,
the same mountains where Hanuman's living with his uncle and some monkeys,
the King of the Monkeys kicked them out, fucking monkeys, right?
and I guess Hanuman draws the short straw or whatever because
now Hanuman's uncle is bugging the shit out of him, saying,
oh, come on, Hanuman, yes, yes, you're awesome, now listen,
and he sends Hanuman to go talk to this strange guy, and
Hanuman doesn't give a shit, he's Hanuman,
so he disguises himself and approaches the guy, say's 'sup?
and this guy just goes absolutely fucking nuts over Hanuman! like
hey, guy, you're awesome, you know that? No, I really mean it,
I think you and I could be friends, and anyway my name's Rama,
and at that, the floodgates just break open, and they're hugging,
so there you go, the emotional backbone for the entire story,
Rama and Hanuman, just like Milo and Otis.

So Rama has to get his girlfriend Sita back from this asshole Ravana,
and Rama promises to make Hanuman's uncle the king of monkeys,
but when Hanuman, Rama, and their army of monkeys reach the sea,
all of the monkeys are like, oh, come on! the ocean? really?
and Hanuman is telling them, I know, I know, goddamn, this sucks,
then this bear just comes out of nowhere and says to Hanuman,
hey, Hanuman, I think you're awesome, buddy, and suddenly
Hanuman realizes he can fly across the ocean, so he grows into a giant
and off he goes, he's flying, then this mountain pops up out of the water
and says, Hanuman, I owe your dad a favour, come sit on me and rest,
but Hanuman politely declines the offer, then later
this sea serpent demands that Hanuman get in her mouth,
but Hanuman tells her to stick her head up her ass, and she says
she was just playing around.

Now when Hanuman finally finds Sita, he tells her, hey, I'm Hanuman, don't worry,
Rama is on his way, and hey, actually, I just flew here myself, I could
probably just fly you back to Rama, spare everybody this prolonged war bullshit
but Sita insists that she'll stay right there and wait for Rama,
he'll feel bad if Hanuman rescues her, he has emasculation issues
and he needs this to feel like a man,
but that's cool with Hanuman, he's got other shit he could be doing anyway,
so he becomes a giant and just starts breaking everything and kicking shit over,
stepping on people, whatever he wants, he's Hanuman.

Maybe twenty minutes go by, and now Ravana's had enough of Hanuman being a jerk off,
so he has his son use this weapon, the Brahmastra,
and Hanuman could shrug it off, but he pretends it stops him,
he knows that nobody wants to lose all the time, and see? the enemy is ecstatic,
they even have a little parade with Hanuman,
but when Hanuman meets Ravana, he tells him to let Sita go,
here, he'll turn around and close his eyes and you just put Sita back,
and Rama will forget the whole thing, but Ravana, asshole that he is,
decides instead to kill Hanuman, but wait! you can't kill the messenger!
and Ravana knows it, so instead he decides to light Hanuman's tail on fire,
teach that fucking monkey, but Hanuman keeps making his tail longer to screw with them,
and then they finally set it on fire, but their plan backfires because
Hanuman just burns down a bunch of their city, then leaves.

From here, the war goes on for a while and at one point,
Rama's brother gets hurts and he needs this one specific herb to get better,
so Hanuman goes off to find it, except he can't find it,
it's on this mountain and its dark out, so, fuck it,
he just brings the whole fucking mountain back with him and,
hugging him, Rama tells Hanuman that he's as dear to him as a brother.

When the war ends, Rama and Sita are reunited,
Rama's the emperor now, and he's throwing a fiesta with gifts for everyone,
and when he sees Hanuman, he gives him a long hug, fights back some tears,
it's like the last half hour of The Return of the King when Frodo and Sam are so happy,
but Hanuman can't accept any gifts, so Sita insists that he take her necklace,
Hanuman takes it and immediately starts tearing it apart, everyone's asking their neighbour,
what the hell is Hanuman doing, that was a nice necklace, dick,
but Hanuman explains that he's taking apart the necklace
to make sure that Rama and Sita are inside the stones, and after this, the situation is unbearably awkward,
some even shout, bullshit! from the back of the room, and, Hanuman is full of shit!
they say, so, to prove his love, Hanuman stands in front of them all, tears his chest open,
and there, sitting within his chest, are Rama and Sita, literally in his heart.