I heard recently that scientists had successfully placed DNA from bioluminescent jellyfish into plants, thus causing the plants to glow in the dark. Now, apparently, they are trying the same thing with monkeys. Monkeys??? What use is a glowing monkey??

If we’re going to make something glow in the dark, we might as well make it useful. Our major cities have millions and millions of cockroaches. Why not put bioluminescent DNA in these? Glowing roaches would have a number of benefits.

First, it would be easier to smush them. Cockroaches, and their Southern counterpart, the giant palmetto bugs, prefer to run around in the dark, thus making it hard to stomp on them because they scurry under the refrigerator every time the lights come on. Glowing roaches would be much easier to kill. Just turn off the lights and go after anything that glows and scurries.

Second, glowing cockroaches would eliminate the need for artificial lighting in all major cities and throughout the South (where the much large Palmetto bugs would be similarly genetically engineered to glow). The return on investment that could be realized from the savings in light fixtures, bulbs and electricity would be phenomenal. It’s been estimated that a major city contains enough cockroaches that, if they were to glow simultaneously, the lumens put out would equal the landing lights from a 747 jet.

Third, glowing cockroaches might actually be cute. Children could capture them on warm summer nights and put them in jars with holes in the lids. What fun!

The only thing I haven’t figured out yet is how one would turn the GloRoaches off at bedtime.

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