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  • Walking home there were two men staring at me and I was worried. They would not stop looking. I said what I couldn't stop thinking - "I know you both want to kiss me." The black one smiled and shook his head and hurried away. The German laughed and laughed. Scorn. Rode his bike around me in circles and would not stop talking about how unattractive I was. You're dreaming, he said. He smelled like coffee.

    I ran and he disappeared. When I got to the bar I found I could no longer cut through their basement to get to my alley. Construction in the basement, raw wooden beams. Do you mind if I go through one more time - I don't know the name of the street, I don't know how to find it from outside. He smiled up at me, the Norwegian with pink hair. "Would you like to take my bike?"

  • eyeshadow, gold and shimmery, kind of scary when I couldn't wipe it off my hand.
  • Back at Borders, panic, I'm not really here am I? frantic checking the schedule to see if the manager on duty was someone who hated me
  • She would not shut up about how much she hated the job. leave then, no one likes you anyway
i was running down and around the street. i think i remember tali's house. solar was there, walking amidst a bunch of people..i ran? i jumped a fence. people tried to chase me. i found a place with tight corridors. it was outside and the walls were stucco, all yellow and water stained. clair caught up with me. told me solar(?) was looking for me.

and i remembered, he tried to send me something on icq (of all things) but when i got it he was already gone and i didn't know how to find him again.i blew it she rested her head on mine as i was curled on the ground against the wall.

"And here's the ... gallery of roses? the place was pristine coldness, all the warmth was kept out by the 10 ft. french windows)
Here's (this guy? it was me). he's got the same name as my husband but that's just a coincidence. I don't own him.

*exit, stage right*

solar(?) tried to warn me, to get me to listen. claire tried to comfort me. chased me when i was running before. and there was that other girl. she was there, too.*and a gun street girl was the cause of it all* i think solar was that guy from e2 cos it was on icq or something, and it was orion_somethingorother. reconcile this. please. (curiouser and curiouser)

i walk in (to the living room?) and pass the sofa wrapped in plastic everything has this weird dali-esque quality, nothing is really there unless i focus on it.. i walk into the hallway and it's the narrow hallway from the old trailer, the walls are that crappy synthetic wood paneling.

i always hated that, it felt horrible. maybe thats the real reason i ran away from home those times

and my father is there, opening/shutting my door, he see's me and leaves it ajar. i don't remember seeing much when i looked in. but i remember something falling from the door.plastic? i look in to my fathers' computer room and i see my desktop on the monitor so i figure it must be my computer.

must be because it's running litestep with the picture i made and he would never figure out how to use it

i tell him that things are weird, both him and mom seem real upset and i don't know what's going on, and could we please talk about it..
he's facing this broken shelf hanging on the wall, trying to fix it. "if you want me to, i can fix that later for you." i don't know if i was trying to say anything or what. he mutters something indistinctly

christ i wish i could remember this better (with something like this? maybe it's better to forget how much your life sucks..

i asked him about the computer. i gathered from the conversation that some of the parts were mine. "Which parts?" "the (something)." "the (something)? you mean the sound card?""yeah" "wow. that was expensive. i'm not really worried about *money* of all things, am i?! i suck
"what about the hard drive? i'd like the harddrive, if nothing else. i have a lot of important things on it." then there was a bed in the computer room and he was lying on it, curled up like a baby. were those tears on his cheeks?
"i don't care about any of it." fade out.


i hate myself on the inside

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