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"He likes the store, he doesn't miss you."
***
Today was a really good day. I stopped at PT to change my appointment time. Somehow I managed to schedule an appointment during a time I'm supposed to be at work. I was going to talk to my manager about switching my hours, but I felt like that would be added stress and pressure on her, and I like working in the mornings better than the evenings. At PT I had a chance to talk to the receptionist. It turns out I had originally been put with the guy I wanted to see, then I had that funeral to go to, and he wasn't available at times I had free. The whole thing was a big miscommunication and I am so glad I stopped by in person instead of calling which had been my original intention since I thought they would be super busy today. I saw him when I first walked in, but didn't go out of my way to greet him and he didn't say 'hi' to me either. When I was getting ready to leave he stuck his arm and hand out at me, I did the same to him and without saying anything to each other I felt like we had understanding and reassurance.
My friend had a dream that she and I were at PT, the walls were white, and there was a lot of bright white light shining through the windows. She asked me what the dream meant and I jokingly told her it meant she was going to marry him. All of a sudden I could really envision that happening in real life. I told her that and she kind of rolled her eyes at me, but since it was so clear to me I kept making comments about it when we were at work. Another woman at work doesn't like this guy, she said she was staying out of it and I told my friend that there was a wall between us that his name couldn't cross. I told them that I was going to go in and ask if he had gone shopping for engagement rings over his break, I was kidding, but the woman who doesn't like him looked at me in disbelief and told me I was crazy. I am, but sometimes I think life is more fun on the crazy side, and I know that when it comes to him, I know what I know, and I know what I don't.
When my friend called she told me that this woman and another woman I can't stand were upstairs in the break room; they tried telling her that I didn't know what I was talking about and she shouldn't listen to me. I have no problem with them trying to look out for her, they don't want to give her false hope, but in my opinion, false despair is also a cruel thing to do to someone. These women do not know him, I don't think either of them are very intuitive, they're older, married, and I think they don't really remember what it was like to be a single woman who doesn't have children and isn't very experienced when it comes to relationships and dating. I don't think I'm giving my friend false hope either. I told her that the guy who works in grocery is a creep and I stand by that so it isn't like I'm afraid to have tough conversations with her about what my intuition is telling me.
Intuition isn't foolproof, but there really is no such thing as safety and I wish these women understood that. The behaviors that keep you out of relationships tend to be isolating, nobody is actively breaking your heart, but you miss out on the joy, companionship, affection, and benefits a relationship can bring. I think they have potential as a couple for several reasons: they're clearly attracted to each other, he seems interested in hearing about where I work and she's the logical connection there, they're opposites, and that can be tricky, but if a healthy relationship is a goal and they're both willing to work on themselves, it could work. I told her I can see them fighting and disagreeing, I can also see them getting along the way that she and I do since I'm a lot like him in many ways. He may not need a lot of intellectual stimulation since he gets so much at work. She wants a healthy eater and he's about as clean as it gets. They'll have their issues, but overall there's potential and I think they can explore this together.
Last night I had a dream that I was driving, something happened that hurt my foot and leg, I drove to a house that was more like a resort with multiple tiered swimming pools and two attractive, but not very nice women who were tan and toned. We were walking around when one of them asked what was wrong. They had me sit down on the concrete, it was very hot and for some reason I was wearing very warm clothes, but my left foot was bare and I could see the swelling part even before one of them pointed it out to me. She pressed on it after I told her I didn't think anything was broken. She told me she could see the break and then blood spurted up out of the area where the bone started poking through my skin. The dream was not pleasant, I woke up wondering if I really had done something to my foot, but thankfully, the dream started receding.
The other dream I remember was very different. I was borrowing my mom's car, then I had this bike I was riding. A friend of mine worked at a corporate center that was very futuristic looking. I told her I needed a place to stash my bike, she looked around and told me to follow her. We went into the bathrooms that were very small and narrow, a guy walked in and then we were all embarrassed. I dropped off my bike and then I was outside talking to my manager. Work was still miles away, but she was there, and then I woke up. I have no idea what any of it means, this wasn't nearly as bad as the first dream, but it wasn't a good dream either. It felt like I wasn't meeting the expectations of others and was constantly out of context such as showing up in riding clothes when everyone else is very professionally dressed. I did have a super cool bike in the dream so that was a high note, but feeling like I couldn't get to work on time was anxiety inducing.
I woke up at 3:43 AM and watched a video clip featuring Carl Jung. I've been searching for a way to explain intuition to my friend and how it works, but since I don't have a clear understanding of it myself, I thought this clip would help. To some extent it did although I have a feeling it wouldn't really help her. What I told her is that I have this gigantic puzzle in my head and everything I know, sense, see, smell, taste, touch, hear, and feel is a new piece. I can almost literally hear a click or a ding when two pieces snap together, sometimes a whole bunch of pieces come together at once and I have a very clear and vivid image of what part of the box this puzzle came in has on the cover. Other times I have to move away from a portion I've been working on for a long time, the pieces get dusty until I discover them again, then I clean them up and add more to the part that I had finished previously.
The part I didn't tell her is that my puzzle is three or four dimensional, but people who lack intuition have a two sided puzzle. I don't know if this is exactly true, but it feels like it could be and it isn't a slam or dismissal of the sensors. Jung advanced the theory that intuition is most helpful when very little is known and decreases in value as things become better known and researched. I have yet to come up with a theory about people who feel things. What I told her about her crush is that he was traveling in a spaceship and landed outside of where we work. When he got out to explore he found out the food was good and the beings were mostly friendly. Then they started expressing these things they called emotions and because the planet he's from doesn't have them he got very scared and ran back to the safety and comfort of his spaceship. He hung out there for a while, but then he thought that maybe he might be missing out on new experiences so he tried venturing out again.
I didn't get much done at work and I don't feel super guilty about that either. After I stopped at PT I felt super good about the future. My friend told me that I was very optimistic, and I told her that was the wrong word to use for this situation. Obviously I could be wrong about this guy, but to me optimism is seeing the bright side when one isn't obvious, and I see a lot of very positive signs and signals. This guy just makes sense to me and my friend did say that I haven't typically been surprised by his behavior like so many others. I don't understand everything he's said or done, I told her it was like having an identical twin. You might not know exactly how they will respond given a particular set of circumstances or a situation, but you can make a very educated guess. I just love going to PT. I'm going to pick up some treats at work and take them in for my birthday. I might as well celebrate with people who know how to have fun and relax. All in all a stellar day despite a few fairly minor annoyances. I feel safe, happy, loved, and loving. It's good.
Much love,
jessicaj
P.S. I still can't believe that woman we work with said that guy misses the store and not my friend. Even supposing that is true, that's hurtful and not helpful. I don't like that at all. I still like the false despair concept and may write more about that in the future.
jj
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One of the fun things about working with my unicorn friend is leaving little gifts for her to find when she comes in to work. It's a game I play with her and it's very rewarding and satisfying even though she usually isn't getting anything that cost me actual money. I like working with people who see the magic and beauty in everyday things and make work fun for others. Today a bottle of barbecue sauce broke in between registers two and three, I told my friend that wearing it like perfume probably wasn't a bad way to attract certain men and then we laughed on our way to the back. I took it out to the dumpster for her and she said she felt bad I had go out in the cold. It was very fresh and bracing outside, it was very cold, but I didn't mind it and next time I'm going to spend more time outside just enjoying the simple and breathtaking beauty of a brittle bright day where the snow crunches beneath my feet.
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Another conversation my friend and I had was about love. I told her that nobody could make her or anyone else feel it, that guy could be madly in love with her, but if she doubted it then she wouldn't be accepting a reality, she would be denying one. One of the cool things she said that makes me think their relationship is better than I thought it was, she's told me this before, but today she added a new piece of information I hadn't heard earlier. She is very chatty and tries to put him at ease rather than just being at ease which I admit can be hard to do around a crush. She said she shut up, and let the silence hang between them, and to her surprise, it wasn't awkward at all. She said it was like a long car ride with someone you've known for a very long time and that's when I felt that there was more than just infatuation on her part. I love comfortable silence. People can talk all day long, but when someone is silent, and I still feel like there is mutual understanding, respect, and communication, that's the proverbial jackpot for me.
***
Me: "What's that smell?"
Her: "Barbecue sauce. Someone dropped a bottle and now it's all over me."
Me: "I guess that's one way to try and land a man."
***
Him: "Are you working today?"
Me: "Done for the day not that I did much when I was there..."
Him: "Why don't you give me a call when convenient?" This is his way of saying he wants to talk and isn't sure a call will be well received. Sometimes we just call each other, but other times we text first and I guess I'll probably never understand why, but we both do this and I know it's a courtesy thing. Sometimes we are so polite it's ridiculous.
***
Her: "Merry Christmas Mom <Christmas tree emoji>
Me: "Merry Christmas Jane. How are you?"
Her: "I'm good also Jill says Merry Christmas as well."
Me: "I love you both. I'm sorry I am unable to communicate that to you in ways you understand. It is very scary to me to see people eating things that make me sick and then I am sad that people are making poor decisions that could also affect me. I love you both very much and pray that God will continue to protect you at times when others are not making safe food a priority for you. I know this probably doesn't make sense to you, but I want my children to have a better life than I did and I know that better food and drink choices are a part of it although there are things other than food that make people healthy as well <Swirling hearts emoji>
Her: "Love you too Mom, thanks for taking care of us <heart> <Christmas tree>
Me: "Always. You and Jill are so incredibly precious to me and your father. We love you more than you will ever know. We are human and make mistakes, but you are always loved and cherished no matter what. There isn't anything you could do that would make us stop loving you for who you are as people <tulip>
Her: "Thanks mom, btw, love that flower emoji <tulip>
Me: "I do too. Even though it isn't nearly as special or as beautiful as you..."
Her: "I know, right?"
Me: "Ha! <baseball> I love you and I'm sorry your Christmas was not what you expected."
Her: "It's okay Christmas is actually good. I don't need presents for a good Christmas." Now I am dangerously close to tears and feel terrible I skipped out on the family celebration at my mom's.
Me: "People are what makes a holiday special. And remember, this was supposed to be a secret, but you still have your 'Fun Day With Mom' coming <evergreen>." This is not an actual secret. The girls always get a fun day with mom. It was just my way of trying to lighten things up a bit while reminding her that I had gotten her something.
Her: "I know! <wink> Can't wait <smiley face>
Me: "Think about what you would like to do, cleaning this place is always an option."
Her: "Okayyy, I'll think about that (not)
Me: "Just throwing that out there <wink>
Her: "Okay, I have to go open presents now <heart> <heart> love you."
Me: "I love you too sweetheart <tulip> Do me a favor and let me know what you get and how others like what you bought them, I know you are a very thoughtful gift giver... <double hearts>
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