I have the full box set of Wordstar 4.0, floppies and hardcover three-ring-binder manual, and other instructional media. I feel its power, its allure. I feel it changing me, slowly turning me into GRRM. I am gaining weight, I am aging, I am growing a neckbeard. Newsboy caps and suspenders. Soon I will only be dimly aware of my own existence, I will simply be an instrument controlled by the software, like the Ring of Power. The novels will write themselves.
The video card I ended up with just didn't work. Thing's worth like $70 but, as it turns out, the pc is bunk. Returns the same AMI 1 long and 8 short beeps, video card error. I took out ALL the ISA cards, still get the error, which should not happen if there's no card. So now I can either send it in to an expert and pay money at a chance of getting it working but potentially wasting the money if he can't, or I can get a machine custom built. Custom built is like $200-300. Not much compared to a modern pc, but still a lot more than zero, especially if it's only to run one program.
I guess it's cheaper than a typewriter, and people swear by those.
Tonight is not a great night for me mental-health wise. It's been worse, but I can't stop myself from just idly fantasizing about how it would feel to get beaten, and I hate it so much. I have been trying for months to get it out of my head, to not think about it, but my counselor told me that doing that (pushing thoughts out) gives the thoughts power -- she says to just return to the present. But I can't stop thinking. Maybe I'm a masochist, but I just crave being the victim of violence, and I don't like that I fantasize about it.
It's so strange that my mental health is bad, my friends tell me that I seem grounded and reliable, not a burden to them. I help them, I'm a good listener, I give good advice, but I can't seem to do it for myself. How come I can help others but not myself, I just... I don't know. It's frustrating because I don't have something I can draw strength from, I'm not crazy religious, I'm not really interested in finding a romantic partner.
A friend of mine, I am his closest friend and he's not even in my top three, he's probably fourth or fifth. He seems nice, but whenever we socialize he monologues about his problems. I feel really bad for him though, I think he just needs a friend and he has no friends, so I try to be a good friend. I listen, I provide input if it's welcome. Life has not been good to him and he might end up living in a group home for some time. But it's just strange, he told me today that I am his closest friend, and I felt immensely guilty for not being able to reciprocate.
I was playing chess with a 13-year-old yesterday, and I told him that most grandmasters become grandmasters between ages 13-15, and that it's much easier for a child to improve in chess than an adult. He seemed hugely motivated by this, to the point that he played game after game against me, losing but still wanting to play. I think I might have sparked an interest in a new hobby for him. For all I know he could very well surpass and beat me. I played with his twin brother too, but his twin brother didn't seem quite so motivated.
I want to write more but I am falling asleep at my desk. Sleep well e2, thanks for putting up with my messy daylogs. I hope to post some factuals here very soon. The Pokemon card writeup still probably has like 3 hours of writing left, which I do NOT want to do. But it's whatever.