I assume you are wanting to know how exactly I became what I am. Well, itis all within this particular conversation, which I shall relate to you:
"So you're Italian, and you're a woodcarver. Can you carve me a --"
"Do not fucking say 'Pinocchio'."
"I was going to ask for a crucifix. I've got a case of the vampires."
"We're literally in Italy. You can get some garlic anywhere."
"Yeah but that's the thing. I grow garlic. Vampires shouldn't have been able to get within a hundred feet of my house. But these ones devoured my entire garden and now they're after the stuff I've got in storage."
"Oh, shit. You've got Italian vampires. Never mind the crucifix, it won't help."
"Then how in the name of Christ --"
"You gotta repel them with Starbucks coffee."
"You...dare tell me, an Italian, to even look at a Starbucks."
"If you hate it that much imagine how much an Italian vampire would hate it. Right?"
"I guess that makes sense. But how on earth am I supposed to approach the place? How can I even pick up a cup?"
"Wear a welder's mask and gloves."
"And you want me to journey all the way to Milan, from Brindisi, for the sake of obtaining something that will earn me looks of hatred on the face of every single person I pass."
"Oh, no, there's an American air base in Sigonella. They have a Starbucks."
"You want me to journey all the way to Sigonella --"
"Do you want to get rid of your vampires or not?"
"Honestly, I'd rather have the vampires than Starbucks."
The vampires got me later that night. But that means I can't even approach a Starbucks now. And I can still grow garlic. So I'd say I didn't lose anything.