Welcome to Fresno State. Bend over and prepare to receive your education.

Students these days are told, again and again, just how important getting a college degree is. What your high school counselor never bothered to tell you, however, is exactly what this college degree is for. You may think it's for the training. You may think it's for the education. But after just a short time within the system, you come to realize the truth. Seeing through the carefully constructed lies, you come to one horrifying realization.

Once you've been fucked by the system, an employer will find it that much easier to fuck you too.

It's important that this realization doesn't cause you to tense up. That will only cause more pain and irritation later. Still, it is the truth. A few simple steps, however, will make your Fresno State experience as easy as getting anally pulverized by a government institution can be. These cautionary measures could most likely be applied to any university, but since Fresno State is the only university I am personally familiar with, I will be focusing on my own personal experiences.

Have a parking plan of attack. One can not simply drive to campus and expect to find a readily available space for a vehicle. Be prepared for confrontations with other drivers. Try to have a vehicle that has a good balance of speed, maneuverability, and muscle. Speed will allow you to seize on opportunities quickly. Muscle will give you that needed edge when grinding your parking opponents to dust. Once you have secured your territory, be absolutely sure that your permit is displayed. By noon, the parking area will be swarming with traffic cops. They fear the parking permit. It is your only protection.

Practice jumping through flaming hoops. You will have to jump through several of these throughout the course of your education. Most often, you will be informed of flaming hoops that you should have jumped through two semesters ago and must jump through immediately if you want to graduate this spring. These flaming hoops will often serve as distractions from actually learning anything of any value.

Avoid the administrative labyrinth at all costs. If necessity forces you to brave the administration building (such as your financial aid never being sent to you), be brave. Be smart. Bring at least 1,000 yards of string. This will help you find your way back to the entrance when your mission has been accomplished. Navigate the expansive tunnels, keeping your hand on the right wall at all times. Bring plenty of food and water. Eventually, you should find the office you need. Enter cautiously. Speak to the student assistant who will look dispassionately your way. He/she will inform you that you need to visit another office, fill out a form, then return with said form. Re-enter the maze of passages. Locate the other office. Request said form. You will be informed that you first need to go to the cashier's window to pay a form requisition fee. Locate the cashier's window. Wait in line for 1.5 days. Approach the cashier, who will look at you dispassionately. Ask to pay your form requisition fee. You will be informed that you need to bring a signed form requistion form from the records office. Locate the records office. Wait in line. Ask for a form requisition form. You will be informed that in order to receive the form requisition form, you must first be fucked in the ass. Ask for KY jelly. You will be informed that KY requests must be put in at least three weeks in advance. Come back tomorrow.

That's really all the practical advice I have to offer. There are other things about Fresno State that are worth noting, such as the construction of a science building with non-existant funds, or the construction of a large arena without any expanded parking, or the cutting of the arts and humanities budget by $1 million and spending important funds on that uncompleted fence that goes halfway around parking lot V. Still, the university does have a decent music department, and a good business department. This is also the only CSU that offers a wine making degree. This was also the first university in the United States to have a commercial winery on campus. It's also cheap, as is every California school. Just be prepared for soreness.

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