Well, now you've done it. Or rather not you, but somebody (even though you live alone, dumbass) has managed to clog the toilet. Do not speculate as to the nature of the offending matter.

So, you don't own a plunger, or plumber's helper do you? Make a trip to the nearest Home Depot or Builder's Square, local hardware store, whatever. But you can't just march in there, pick up the plunger and pay for it can you? People who see you strutting about with the single item will know the score. Forget about the checkout line. Might as well pick up some condoms and tampons while you're at it, Chet. You must approach more delicately.

Walk in. Get a feel for the surroundings. Wander a bit. Orient yourself. Get comfortable. Find some cleaning supplies. Pick up a bucket. Mop pails are great because they can hold many other small items and, because they limit the amount you will be tempted to purchase. You're not here to redecorate the living room, remember?

Wander over to the hardware section. Hammer, maybe? A small one for nailing into drywall. Get some drywall nails too, they're cheap and it'll make your purchase more convincing. Floor sweepers are in the corner, probably overkill. Just grab a regular broom. No, wait, yes, a corn broom, so very traditional. Just a homeowner who needs a few things, yup! Meander down the paint aisle. Nope, don't need any Rustoleum. But hey look, toilet plungers! You don't have one of those. You're lucky you passed this way, sir.

Wait, there's a whole selection of plungers here. Good god is that for a yak? Well, the smallest are for sinks only, no good. The largest are clearly for plunging professionals (No, I didn't know the swiss army needed them, either.). Women won't flock to you while you're bearing this beast. Better stay clear. Aha! Here, six inches in diameter, brick red rubber, non-ostentatious, bar code sticker partially affixed. Perfect. No, it looks nothing like a hat. Let's go. Wait, get a handle for it! Yes, with the threading on the end; they should really assemble these at the factory. Who wants just the rubber part? Sheesh!

Off to check out, then. Not too fast, not too slow. Don't make eye contact with the staff. Hey, flashlights. You need a flashlight, right? Batteries? Parking lot's right over there.

I'll think you'll do just fine.

And for heaven's sake, just never, ever ask where they are!

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