2002 was a tough year for Underworld. Their album A Hundred Days Off didn't sell well, nor did the related samples. Longtime fans and critics rejected the material, and the supporting tours were a slight disappointment due to the absence of Darren Emerson. A third single from the album, Twist, was cancelled.

Cue their 2003 retrospective compilation, 1992-2002. Several other big names in the UK electronic scene had released hits compilations at the same time: Orbital released their Work 1989-2002 filled with hits and rarities, The Chemical Brothers released Singles: 93-03, and Juno Reactor put out Odyssey: 1992-2002. However, I don't think that any of these had an accompanying single that was quite so embarassing.

Underworld's previous album, the live endeavour Everything, Everything, produced one unremarkable single featuring new remixes of their seminal track Cowgirl by the likes of John Digweed (ew) and Future Shock. Similarly, Underworld decided to issue new remixes of one of their classics. The target this time was born slippy.NUXX, perhaps their most famous tune, having been featured in Trainspotting and zillions of technoraveclassix CDs. The culprits were to be: London Elektricity, Atomic Hooligans, Underworld's own Rick Smith, and PAUL OAKENFOLD.

Please shoot me. I cannot bear this.

Underworld's previous remixes by folks I don't respect have at least been inoffensive. Roger Sanchez's remix of Push Upstairs was boring and predictable, but not vomit-inducing. Fatboy Slim's remix of King of Snake was surprisingly interesting. Paul Oakenfold's remix of Born Slippy makes me want to burn my sizeable Underworld collection, and any equipment that has ever been used to listen to it. This involves every computer I have ever owned, and my car. Oakenfold's 1998 remixes of The Smashing Pumpkins had a similar effect on me.

Upon returning from the bathroom and wiping my mouth, I held out hope that the Rick Smith remixes would be the redeeming factors. After all, I could make a copy of the CD minus the gross offender, and make a nice big pocketknife scratch in the record. Unfortunately, my faith was misplaced, as the remixes BY A MEMBER OF UNDERWORLD, WHO WROTE THE DAMN SONG consisted solely of the disembodied vocals from the original accompanied by cheesy 1991-vintage Korg M1 rave piano chords, with or without beats.

There were 10 editions of this issued in various countries on either V2 Records or Junior Boy's Own. There was an additional bootleg kicking around with the original born slippy with the original telematic, .NUXX, darren price, and deep pan remixes; the abovementioned abominations; and three additional remixes by CJ Stone, Robbie Rivera, and Paul van Dyk.

This is the most disgusting thing an Underworld fan can endure. It beats out the bootleg breakbeat mixes of Rez. It surpasses the hard house re-edits of born slippy.NUXX. At least those did not carry Underworld's imprimatur.

Do not ever make me listen to this, or there will be violent consequences. If you play it at a party in my presence, I will badmouth you for years to come. If you're Paul Oakenfold, please start running.