The 2009 E2 Bitch Fest

Calling all women!

Feeling snarky? Bloated? That dress won't fit? Your mother called complaining about the new man in her life? - and you can't get a date to save your life? The new beyotch in the typing pool, Little Miss Perfect? The way she's always getting flowers? The way the professor ogles you in class? Yeah, that's really disrespectful. He probably has a small penis. The way your day has just been ruined because... well, just look at it! Look at your hair! It's awful! You feel like crying. You feel like staying in bed. No, really, you feel like killing someone. Or both. And why is there no one around to serve you chocolates in bed? WHERE IS YOUR COFFEE?

Do you feel like killing your boyfriend? Perhaps just maiming him? And there's no reason, really -- it's just some vague, ill-formed feeling, the way he brushed his teeth this morning, or the way he snores, the way he butters his toast. It's never bothered you in the past, but for some reason right now, looking at his smug face, you just want to rip his throat out and watch him bleed to death. Then you can get back to the ironing and watch Oprah.

The Nordstrom bill came today. This is totally wrong! There's no way you spent $617 last month at Nordstrom's! They must have made a mistake! You only bought a few cosmetics. The dress you bought, you were going to return after wearing it last weekend, so that doesn't count. The shoes? Please, they're for work. They don't count either. That gift for Maggie's wedding. Whoa. You didn't realize that platter was that much! And she's so totally going to get divorced. You wonder if you can get that platter back first.

The hot guy you met last weekend did not call, that bastard! The lame guy who bugged you for your email has emailed you seven times within the last 24 hours. Where is the justice? Who can you call? God? God does not return your phone calls, or texts. God keeps sending you Velcro men who breathe a little too heavy and keep wanting to buy you drinks and OH PLEASE DO NOT SIT SO CLOSE TO ME!

Ladies, this is your chance to vent.

In fact, it'll be competitive venting. You think you can outbitch other women here? Do you think you are the Queen Bitch from Hell, pre-ordained to be the alpha bitch in the alpha-est web site on the planet? Well, honey, you've come to the right place. Because we've got a contest for you.

It's the First Annual Bitch Quest 2009, and it begins TODAY!

Let your inner bitch sit down and type away for half an hour, an hour, two hours.... whatever, honey, however long it takes her to finish roaring. No subject too indelicate: ex boyfriends, cheating husbands, the bitch at work who keeps stealing your cigarettes and then has the balls to talk to your boyfriend! Well, he's not your boyfriend, exactly, but she should know to stay away from him, because he's yours!

Get it out. There, that feels so much better, doesn't it? Your claws can reseat themselves into your hands, where no one can see them. And the victim that sitting in the puddle of her own blood at the foot of your table? Ewwww! She's dripping on your new boots. Like, gross! Like, ick! Why doesn't anyone bother to ever clean up around here? Hello! Why are YOU the only one to notice the dead body in the kitchenette area? Can we GET a janitor who's more brain dead?

The Rules

Beginning date: Friday, Nov. 13, 2009

Last date for node submission: December 31, 2009

Sponsoring god: the awesome Avalyn

How you'll be judged: All nodes will be judged by Yours Truly. At the end, the universe being a capricious place, I'll choose the three top favorite nodes.

  1. Miss Third Place Bitch.
  2. A Second Place Miss Congeniality Bitch. (I know, a contradiction in terms. What the hell.)
  3. And a First Place Grand Prize Winner Miss Everything2 Bitch Goddess, Empress of All She Surveys.

HINT: You want to win. And you'll pout and cajole and stamp your foot and then get REALLY irate if you don't win. (This is what makes my life so much fun.)

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Vaguely bitch-related catbox comments

Snarky bitchy premenstrual man-hating 10 lb overweight mad at mother BITCH!
I want nodes that reveal the inner monster latent inside every woman on a bad day.
The kind of node that, when men read it, truly truly horrify them. "But we thought you women were so gentle and pure!"
I want a woman who looks like the woman on my homenode, someone who's polite and demure on the outside, and whose inside is screaming with pain and bitchiness!
lizardinlaw: ooooh, this is going to totally be fun
Nancemuse: I can't agree more with your taste in lingerie - perhaps they should be called "lose your boyfriend" shorts. (But I guess the new orifice means no coffee at halftime, huh?)

Excellent Bitch-related E2 writeups

  1. prole: You're only half a bitch without the heels
  2. Evil Catullus: The Art of Bitchcraft
  3. Kesper North: I may be a trenchie bitch, but you forget we wear combat boots!
  4. prole: Pink go-go boots and matching rocket-launcher
  5. whywait?: I was a bitter, purple-haired fat girl, and I had plenty of male friends
  6. paraclete: menstrual cycle
  7. factgirl: Daily Evil - September 6, 1979 through June 12, 1980

Who's Expressed Interest

  1. lizardinlaw, who is so into this I think she may hurt something
  2. ScheherazadeBlue
  3. NanceMuse

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Bonus points for excessive cruelty!

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Bitchy Nodes

  1. lizardinlaw: Iron Bitch on a Plane
  2. lizardinlaw: Iron Bitch on a Bike
  3. lizardinlaw: Grand Bitch and the Dingle
  4. lizardinlaw: Iron Bitch gets Dressed
  5. lizardinlaw: Grand Bitch at dinner
  6. lizardinlaw: Iron Bitch at the Dance
  7. Tnevel: I'm not a Cold Hard Bitch
  8. NanceMuse: Bitch Quest 2009 - Who's the Bitch? (my butt still hurts from this one)

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