People who drink microbrews because they're trendy. Most couldn't tell you what beer is made of, much less the difference between a ale and a lager. But they do know that if you drink Budweiser, you must suck.

Socrates was most assuredly not one of these, as evidenced by the "heretofore unrecovered Platonic Dialogue" below:

Crito: Socrates, my good man, what is it you have there in your hand? Do you not shame the Oracle of Delphi and the gods, proving them false in their declaration that you are the wisest man in all of Athens?

Socrates: Greetings Crito. I wonder that you ask in such earnest what I hold in my hand when by the natural light it is clearly a can of Schlitz. As for your second question, what concern can it be to the gods whether I imbibe this beer or no?

Crito: My apologies, Socrates. Allow me to explain myself. I had in mind your teaching on the subject of virtue. Do you not recall it? No man, you have said, can knowingly choose to do wrong. He who truly has knowledge of what is right and wrong must always select the right, for the right is, by definition, the better path. Do you not here defy your philosophy with your present choice? Is it not clear by the natural light of reason that among beers, Schlitz must certainly represent the lesser path? The worse course of action? What say you, Socrates?

Socrates: My dear Crito, what you say is very convincing. But let me respond to your questions by asking one of my own. Do we consider the whole to be merely a certain number of its parts, or rather all of its parts?

Crito: Certainly the whole must contain all of its part, Socrates.

Socrates: Then, Crito, we may say, for example, that the state is not only its buildings or only its citizens or only its laws. As a whole, it is all of these?

Crito: Yes, that much we can say.

Socrates: Would it be right, then, to say that a man loves the state who loves only its buildings, or only its citizens, or only its laws?

Crito: No, Socrates. Such a man loves only certain of its parts.

Socrates: So, Crito, to love something truly is to love it as a whole, not merely certain of its parts.

Crito: I must admit this is true, Socrates.

Socrates: Well, Crito, what would we say of a man who professed to love numbers, but in reality loved only certain numbers, and not the whole of them?

Crito: I do not see your meaning, Socrates.

Socrates: Then let me state it thus: When we speak of numbers, do we speak of only some numbers, or of all numbers?

Crito: Why all numbers, Socrates.

Socrates: And when we speak in general of men, do we speak of all men or only certain of them?

Crito: Unless we say otherwise, we must be speaking of them all.

Socrates: Then to speak truly of loving numbers, we must love the whole of them. And to speak truly of loving men, we must love the whole of them. Is that not correct, Crito?

Crito: Indeed, I see now that it must be.

Socrates: And what, then, Crito, of the true lover of beers? Does he love only some beers, or does he love the whole of them?

Crito: By our previous reasoning, Socrates, I should think he must love them all.

Socrates: And does the man who loves a thing seek to increase its presence so far as he is able? Or does he rather seek to avoid it and decrease its presence?

Crito: Most certainly one does not avoid, but seeks out that which he loves.

Socrates: Then Crito, it seems that the true lover of beers, so far as he is able, wishes to increase the presence of that which he loves, seeking the most of it that his drachma can buy?

Crito: Yes, Socrates. It is so.

Socrates: Then is not Schlitz, being the least costly of beers, and therefore the most amply acquired, also the only right and proper selection for the true lover of beers?

Crito: I suppose that must be so, Socrates. Perhaps I was wrong to suggest that the Oracle was in error. Or perhaps it is true what they say, that you are a scoundrel who seeks only to make the worse beer appear the better. I can hardly say I know anymore, Socrates.

Socrates: Good Crito, lend me your trust in this matter. I can tell you, in Athens they serve drinks far worse than Schlitz.

(written by Matt Burke, UMass Amherst)... this is not copyrighted so leave it alone.

A stranger walks in to the local saloon
Parched and dying of thirst
He starts off sounding just like a buffoon
And shouts “Let’s put first things first”

”I don’t drink Bud or Miller
and Coors and Pabst are out!
So just who is your distiller?
I demand an ale or stout!”

A stranger gets tossed from the local saloon
Still parched and dying of thirst
His face is now a shade of maroon
It seems he went out headfirst.

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