Bebe's Kids

Name: Bebe's Kids
Format: SNES
Developer: Motown Software
Publisher: Mandingo Entertainment
Year: 1993

In all honesty, I have no idea who the hell Bebe's Kids are. I do not know or care who Bebe is. This is because I am not American (and since currently only a US version of the ROM is dumped, chances are it was only released there), but I don't think I'm taking too much of a stab in the dark at saying that Bebe's Kids is some sort of TV show or film. I'm almost sure I'm right, because no other source for game material could result in such a pile of steaming excretory material.

This game is an example of everything that is wrong with video games. It's licensed, it's obviously had no time, effort, or money put into it, and it looks as if it was simply made to try and profit a bit out of a TV show. I have no problem with games that are made with the aim of making money, assuming that the game deserves to make money. FIFA 200X does not deserve to make any money, although it always does. This doesn't deserve to make any money either, and somehow I suspect it hasn't.

The game is a "scrolling" "beat em up". I'm not putting that in quotes because I'm some old granny who thinks they are "cool" and "hip" with "da homies" on "da block" and so has to say everything like it's in quotes, I'm putting it in quotes because it really does dishonour a great many games which we would call scrolling beat em ups. I hesitate to call it a scrolling game because it hardly scrolls, and does so very unimpressively. I hesitate to call it a beat em up because that implies a sense of fun (many leading theoretical scientists once said that fun could well be an important part of video games, although this research has been put on hold since the scientists played this game as an experiment, and the entire research team died of horror) and there is definitely nothing fun about this game.

The first bad thing about this game is the characters. They are the first because they appear on the title screen, and up to then I was quite enjoying the game - the copyright notices really got me in the mood for some quality entertainment, and the following developers logo got me in a fit of ecstacy. However, once the title screen appears, it all went rather downhill.

The two characters you can pick from in the game are called Lashawn and Kahlil. They appear on the title screen along with a third character, a baby, who I presume you are playing the game to rescue. In case you're wondering how I predict the plot of the game, well, it's down to years of practice and training. I went through the rigorous game predicting assault course set by the master of the field, Steve Buckle, and have since further honed my skills. I would encourage people not to try to predict the plot of games at home, because without trained professionals and board approved safety equipment, it could all end in tears. Leave it to the professionals, kids. Ah... where was I? Oh, yes, the "characters". Well, I presume they are taken straight out a children's cartoon, as nowhere else would you find such examples of lack of creativity and imagination. There is a standard "girl with attitude" character, and a "boy who is such as badass he wears his hood up" character. You can select either, although the choice is neither interesting nor has an effect on gameplay. You then proceed through some ugly levels "fighting" with a bunch of "enemies".

I would call is a Streets of Rage / Golden Axe style game, but that would be comparing classics in the genre of silicon based entertainment to this "game". And that would be wrong. While the basic principles of all the games are the same - you have a character, and you walk them from left to right across a level, beating up anyone and everyone that you come across - when you get down to the nitty gritty, Bebe's Kids bears pretty much no resemblance to the aforementioned games. In Streets of Rage, killing or knocking out an enemy takes a few hits, but you attack so fast that it usually takes only a few seconds to get rid of an enemy. Naturally, that game is at it's best when taking on loads of them.

The problem, or rather, the most obvious problem with Bebe's Kids is that enemies take far, far too long to kill. Like, literall, you attack constantly for a good minute or so, and your enemy's hat comes off. This signifies he is half dead. Then you attack constantly for another minute or so, and he is dead. Before taking on the next enemy, I recommend getting some good life insurance, or a pension or something, because the sheer stress of doing it again will probably kill you, or at least it will take you to retirement age. Enemies attack in groups of two, just to make it hard to concentrate your attacks, and your character can't walk (well, it's not really walking, it's more the kind of strutting which no one thinks looks cool except the person doing it) and attack at the same time. This means it's pretty much impossible to play.

But wait!! There's more (crappiness). Some enemies will attack you by picking you up, which causes you to lose one health point every few seconds for a seemingly random amount of time. It's quite normal to have full health, be picked up by the enemy, and be completely unable to do anything about it. And then you're dead. That was fun, wasn't it? Fancy another go?

Not to mention the time limit which has to have been dreamt up by The Devil himself. If it wasn't hard enough spending hours fighting past the same enemies, there is a time limit, meaning you need to mash the button like a pro button masher to have any hope of getting to the next stage.

The game's graphics are about as crappy as you'd expect, but the truly offensive thing is that the game offers up tempting things which you think you might be able to use, but then it turns you can't. For example, the first level is set in a fairground type place, and so there are loads of stalls and shops in the background and foreground. On the shelves of these shops are a heap of tempting things which look like items you can pick up and use to kill enemies quicker, for example cans of coke or a basketball. I was on the lookout for a gun or a baseball bat, but this is supposed to appeal to children of about 2 years (well, that's what I'm guessing. Anyone older would have more sense than to play this) so I guess no serious weapons are available.

So I go up to the can of coke, and - Ho Shit! - it turns out it's just some scenery, and is completely useless. Using the sprite layers feature of Zsnes, I turned off all the background levels to confirm my suspicions. Yes, I was right - these items appear on the sprite layer along with the characters and enemies. So they look even more like you're supposed to pick them up. But no, it's just some lovely scenery. Cheers, Motown Software (which brings another question to mind - who the hell are they?

On the off chance that you manage to make it through the first level without being strangled by your large intestine, The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy style, you will be greeted with a second stage.. that makes almost absolutely no sense at all. For some reason, you manage to find the baby who you have lost (apparently he's called Peewee), but he's wandering around the shelves of a china store, knocking things off. And you get to walk about underneath the shelves watching the china come down and the china store worker catch some of it. Oh, and if it hits you on the head you get hurt. Anyone else spotted the crucial ingredient which is missing from this level? Ah yes, that's it, a point. Since you can't climb the shelves, get the baby down, catch the china, beat up the shop owner, or do anything else, the level is about as pointless as an unsharpened pencil. There is a time limit, so presumably you're supposed to do something, but buggered if I know what to do. And for some reason, I have absolutely no inclination to find out.

So, essentially, Bebe's Kids is terrible. An old thread I read on a video game forum voted it as the worst SNES game ever, and I have to say, I think they are on to something there. The game is slow, repetitive, and completely devoid of anything even slightly relating to "fun". I really do wish I'd had this in cartridge form, rather than having downloaded the ROM, as then I could do nasty things to the cartridge like exploding it, melting it, and jumping on it repeatedly. This "game" is a crime against humanity, and I hope I never have the misfortune to play anything quite as crap again.

Servo5678 says "re Bebe's Kids: Bebe's Kids was an animated movie from 1993 starring.. aw, who the hell cares. It tanked at the box office and this game is the only licensed crap to survive the carnage."

isogolem says "re Bebe's Kids: Actually, Bebe's kids comes originally from a comedian's stand up routine. Bebe's kids were little helions. Robin Harris... who's dead now. /me is sad."

Thanks to the other people who informed me that Bebe's Kids was a movie.