Here on the "we will disclose everything" forum it occurred to me that a much underdiscussed topic is that of "attempting to urinate while you have an erection." And when I say this is a big problem for *man*kind you'll know I'm being PC.

There will be more than one occassion when the male of the species will wake up with a raging hard-on. This in itself is not of too much concern, but when your bladder is screaming at you for instant relief, that trek to the toilet can be filled with a mixture of expectation, racing thoughts, fear and dread.

Those that are not initiated to the concept may think "Hey big deal.. it still comes out no problem", but let me throw one very serious word your way.. "angles". An erect penis would not be problem in these circumstances if toilets were mounted on the wall and bathrooms were fitted with anti-gravity devices. If you have experienced this angle problem you'll probably have considered sending a letter to your old math teacher about updating the curriculum with some more practical real world examples.

Put simply, any attempt to urinate at an angle below the horizontal cuts off the waterworks instantly (Geez, I hope other people are experiencing this or I am going to look mighty wierd out here in nodeland). This problem can cause you to attempt some far-out contortions and do some really dumb things.

The pinnacle of these dumb ideas can be attempting to place your body horizontal to the floor AND 3 feet above the ground at the same time. Of course that is impossible and it usually leads to a gradual progression from leaning over, to leaning over the toilet, to a full on tilt action with hand over cistern and legs splayed out like some sort of squashed spider. Don't even consider drunk, erect and busting to go. That can end in some serious toilet carnage as you fall and get wedged between the toilet bowl and the wall, looking like some hideous mutant toilet turtle with an out of place erect penis.

The second dumb idea is attempting to urinate at range. I don't know about you but two factors come into play here - accuracy and water pressure. The intense need to urinate can dampen even the most accurate of sharp shooters and in case you haven't noticed (despite prayers that it would) urine does not exit the penis at your standard car's tyre pressure. At first it might be a dribble or a perhaps an ever increasing arc. The outcome naturally is a nice puddle leading up to the toilet. That is something not appreciated by your significant other.

The other option is to wait it out like a good bladder soldier. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But be warned... I am pretty sure there are men out there that have been walking around for years with an erectic penis waiting for it to go down. There seems to be some biological infinite loop where a full bladder reinforces penis erection and so on. Also be warned - PLAYING WITH IT WILL NOT MAKE IT GO AWAY! except for some of the freaks out there. If you are lucky the erection will subside in due course before you explode in a massive spray of urine, mangled flesh and blood.

This might be a good time for nature lovers to dash outside and pretend that no one else can see them urinating in their backyard with an erect penis.

Ok guys. The morning is not the time this is important. If you've got morning wood, wait a few minutes and it will go away. If you have to think of your Grandma on the toliet.

Now some advice, if she's ready and waiting in the other room and you gotta pee NOW, smack your dick. Yeah, smack your dick. I usually go with a right handed smack to the upper half. It'll get soft real quick. Don't force it down, slip and stroke hurts enough. Jeez, don't abuse yourself. Just put the smack down.

Now pee quick, get in there, and hope you didn't ruin the mood.

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