The forest.
Enter Orlando, with a paper

Orlando
Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:
And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, survey
With thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,
Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.
O Rosalind! these trees shall be my books
And in their barks my thoughts I'll character;
That every eye which in this forest looks
Shall see thy virtue witness'd every where.
Run, run, Orlando; carve on every tree
The fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

Orlando Exits. Enter Corin and Touchstone

Corin
And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?

Touchstone
Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a good
life, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,
it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, I
like it very well; but in respect that it is
private, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect it
is in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but in
respect it is not in the court, it is tedious. As
is it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;
but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes much
against my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?
Corin
No more but that I know the more one sickens the
worse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,
means and content is without three good friends;
that the property of rain is to wet and fire to
burn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that a
great cause of the night is lack of the sun; that
he that hath learned no wit by nature nor art may
complain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.

(((((To Be Continued. Work in Progress. I Will Finish This!)))))

TOUCHSTONE  Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever in 30 
  court, shepherd?  


CORIN  No, truly.  


TOUCHSTONE  Then thou art damned.  


CORIN  Nay, I hope.  


TOUCHSTONE  Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, all 35 
  on one side.  


CORIN  For not being at court? Your reason.  


TOUCHSTONE  Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawest  
  good manners; if thou never sawest good manners,  
  then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness is 40 
  sin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlous  
  state, shepherd.  


CORIN  Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good manners  
  at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the  
  behavior of the country is most mockable at the 45 
  court. You told me you salute not at the court, but  
  you kiss your hands: that courtesy would be  
  uncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.  


TOUCHSTONE  Instance, briefly; come, instance.  


CORIN  Why, we are still handling our ewes, and their 50 
  fells, you know, are greasy.  


TOUCHSTONE  Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is not  
  the grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat of  
  a man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.  


CORIN  Besides, our hands are hard. 55 


TOUCHSTONE  Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.  
  A more sounder instance, come.  


CORIN  And they are often tarred over with the surgery of  
  our sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? The  
  courtier's hands are perfumed with civet. 60 


TOUCHSTONE  Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of a  
  good piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, and  
  perpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, the  
  very uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.  


CORIN  You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest. 65 


TOUCHSTONE  Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!  
  God make incision in thee! thou art raw.  


CORIN  Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, get  
  that I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man's  
  happiness, glad of other men's good, content with my 70 
  harm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewes  
  graze and my lambs suck.  


TOUCHSTONE  That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewes  
  and the rams together and to offer to get your  
  living by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to a 75 
  bell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of a  
  twelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,  
  out of all reasonable match. If thou beest not  
  damned for this, the devil himself will have no  
  shepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst 80 
  'scape.  


CORIN  Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.  
  Enter ROSALIND, with a paper, reading 


ROSALIND            From the east to western Ind, 
  No jewel is like Rosalind.  
  Her worth, being mounted on the wind,  
  Through all the world bears Rosalind. 85 
  All the pictures fairest lined  
  Are but black to Rosalind.  
  Let no fair be kept in mind  
  But the fair of Rosalind.  


TOUCHSTONE  I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners and 90 
  suppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is the  
  right butter-women's rank to market.  


ROSALIND  Out, fool!  


TOUCHSTONE  For a taste:  
  If a hart do lack a hind, 95 
  Let him seek out Rosalind.  
  If the cat will after kind,  
  So be sure will Rosalind.  
  Winter garments must be lined,  
  So must slender Rosalind. 100 
  They that reap must sheaf and bind;  
  Then to cart with Rosalind.  
  Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,  
  Such a nut is Rosalind.  
  He that sweetest rose will find 105 
  Must find love's prick and Rosalind.  
  This is the very false gallop of verses: why do you  
  infect yourself with them?  


ROSALIND  Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.  


TOUCHSTONE  Truly, the tree yields bad fruit. 110 


ROSALIND  I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff it  
  with a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruit  
  i' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be half  
  ripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.  


TOUCHSTONE  You have said; but whether wisely or no, let the 115 
  forest judge.  
  Enter CELIA, with a writing 


ROSALIND  Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.  


CELIA  Reads  
  Why should this a desert be?  
  For it is unpeopled? No: 120 
  Tongues I'll hang on every tree,  
  That shall civil sayings show:  
  Some, how brief the life of man  
  Runs his erring pilgrimage,  
  That the stretching of a span 125 
  Buckles in his sum of age;  
  Some, of violated vows  
  'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:  
  But upon the fairest boughs,  
  Or at every sentence end, 130 
  Will I Rosalinda write,  
  Teaching all that read to know  
  The quintessence of every sprite  
  Heaven would in little show.  
  Therefore Heaven Nature charged 135 
  That one body should be fill'd  
  With all graces wide-enlarged:  
  Nature presently distill'd  
  Helen's cheek, but not her heart,  
  Cleopatra's majesty, 140 
  Atalanta's better part,  
  Sad Lucretia's modesty.  
  Thus Rosalind of many parts  
  By heavenly synod was devised,  
  Of many faces, eyes and hearts, 145 
  To have the touches dearest prized.  
  Heaven would that she these gifts should have,  
  And I to live and die her slave.  


ROSALIND  O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of love  
  have you wearied your parishioners withal, and never 150 
  cried 'Have patience, good people!'  


CELIA  How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.  
  Go with him, sirrah.  


TOUCHSTONE  Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;  
  though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage. 155 
  Exeunt CORIN and TOUCHSTONE 


CELIA  Didst thou hear these verses?  


ROSALIND  O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some of  
  them had in them more feet than the verses would bear.  


CELIA  That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.  


ROSALIND  Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bear 160 
  themselves without the verse and therefore stood  
  lamely in the verse.  


CELIA  But didst thou hear without wondering how thy name  
  should be hanged and carved upon these trees?  


ROSALIND  I was seven of the nine days out of the wonder 165 
  before you came; for look here what I found on a  
  palm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed since  
  Pythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which I  
  can hardly remember.  


CELIA  Trow you who hath done this? 170 


ROSALIND  Is it a man?  


CELIA  And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.  
  Change you colour?  


ROSALIND  I prithee, who?  


CELIA  O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends to 175 
  meet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakes  
  and so encounter.  


ROSALIND  Nay, but who is it?  


CELIA  Is it possible?  


ROSALIND  Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence, 180 
  tell me who it is.  


CELIA  O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful  
  wonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,  
  out of all hooping!  


ROSALIND  Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I am 185 
  caparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose in  
  my disposition? One inch of delay more is a  
  South-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is it  
  quickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldst  
  stammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed man 190 
  out of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-  
  mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none at  
  all. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth that  
  may drink thy tidings.  


CELIA  So you may put a man in your belly. 195 


ROSALIND  Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is his  
  head worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?  


CELIA  Nay, he hath but a little beard.  


ROSALIND  Why, God will send more, if the man will be  
  thankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, if 200 
  thou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.  


CELIA  It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler's  
  heels and your heart both in an instant.  


ROSALIND  Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow and  
  true maid. 205 


CELIA  I' faith, coz, 'tis he.  


ROSALIND  Orlando?  


CELIA  Orlando.  


ROSALIND  Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet and  
  hose? What did he when thou sawest him? What said 210 
  he? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makes  
  him here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?  
  How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou see  
  him again? Answer me in one word.  


CELIA  You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis a 215 
  word too great for any mouth of this age's size. To  
  say ay and no to these particulars is more than to  
  answer in a catechism.  


ROSALIND  But doth he know that I am in this forest and in  
  man's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did the 220 
  day he wrestled?  


CELIA  It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve the  
  propositions of a lover; but take a taste of my  
  finding him, and relish it with good observance.  
  I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn. 225 


ROSALIND  It may well be called Jove's tree, when it drops  
  forth such fruit.  


CELIA  Give me audience, good madam.  


ROSALIND  Proceed.  


CELIA  There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight. 230 


ROSALIND  Though it be pity to see such a sight, it well  
  becomes the ground.  


CELIA  Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvets  
  unseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.  


ROSALIND  O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart. 235 


CELIA  I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringest  
  me out of tune.  


ROSALIND  Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must  
  speak. Sweet, say on.  


CELIA  You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here? 240 
  Enter ORLANDO and JAQUES 


ROSALIND  'Tis he: slink by, and note him.  


JAQUES  I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I had  
  as lief have been myself alone.  


ORLANDO  And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank you  
  too for your society. 245 


JAQUES  God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.  


ORLANDO  I do desire we may be better strangers.  


JAQUES  I pray you, mar no more trees with writing  
  love-songs in their barks.  


ORLANDO  I pray you, mar no more of my verses with reading 250 
  them ill-favouredly.  


JAQUES  Rosalind is your love's name?  


ORLANDO  Yes, just.  


JAQUES  I do not like her name.  


ORLANDO  There was no thought of pleasing you when she was 255 
  christened.  


JAQUES  What stature is she of?  


ORLANDO  Just as high as my heart.  


JAQUES  You are full of pretty answers. Have you not been  
  acquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned them 260 
  out of rings?  


ORLANDO  Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, from  
  whence you have studied your questions.  


JAQUES  You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made of  
  Atalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? and 265 
  we two will rail against our mistress the world and  
  all our misery.  


ORLANDO  I will chide no breather in the world but myself,  
  against whom I know most faults.  


JAQUES  The worst fault you have is to be in love. 270 


ORLANDO  'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue.  
  I am weary of you.  


JAQUES  By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I found  
  you.  


ORLANDO  He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and you 275 
  shall see him.  


JAQUES  There I shall see mine own figure.  


ORLANDO  Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.  


JAQUES  I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, good  
  Signior Love. 280 


ORLANDO  I am glad of your departure: adieu, good Monsieur  
  Melancholy.  
  Exit JAQUES 


ROSALIND  Aside to CELIA I will speak to him, like a saucy  
  lackey and under that habit play the knave with him.  
  Do you hear, forester? 285 


ORLANDO  Very well: what would you?  


ROSALIND  I pray you, what is't o'clock?  


ORLANDO  You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clock  
  in the forest.  


ROSALIND  Then there is no true lover in the forest; else 290 
  sighing every minute and groaning every hour would  
  detect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.  


ORLANDO  And why not the swift foot of Time? had not that  
  been as proper?  


ROSALIND  By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces with 295 
  divers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambles  
  withal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallops  
  withal and who he stands still withal.  


ORLANDO  I prithee, who doth he trot withal?  


ROSALIND  Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between the 300 
  contract of her marriage and the day it is  
  solemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,  
  Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length of  
  seven year.  


ORLANDO  Who ambles Time withal? 305 


ROSALIND  With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man that  
  hath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily because  
  he cannot study, and the other lives merrily because  
  he feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of lean  
  and wasteful learning, the other knowing no burden 310 
  of heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.  


ORLANDO  Who doth he gallop withal?  


ROSALIND  With a thief to the gallows, for though he go as  
  softly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.  


ORLANDO  Who stays it still withal? 315 


ROSALIND  With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep between  
  term and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.  


ORLANDO  Where dwell you, pretty youth?  


ROSALIND  With this shepherdess, my sister; here in the  
  skirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat. 320 


ORLANDO  Are you native of this place?  


ROSALIND  As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.  


ORLANDO  Your accent is something finer than you could  
  purchase in so removed a dwelling.  


ROSALIND  I have been told so of many: but indeed an old 325 
  religious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who was  
  in his youth an inland man; one that knew courtship  
  too well, for there he fell in love. I have heard  
  him read many lectures against it, and I thank God  
  I am not a woman, to be touched with so many 330 
  giddy offences as he hath generally taxed their  
  whole sex withal.  


ORLANDO  Can you remember any of the principal evils that he  
  laid to the charge of women?  


ROSALIND  There were none principal; they were all like one 335 
  another as half-pence are, every one fault seeming  
  monstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.  


ORLANDO  I prithee, recount some of them.  


ROSALIND  No, I will not cast away my physic but on those that  
  are sick. There is a man haunts the forest, that 340 
  abuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' on  
  their barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegies  
  on brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name of  
  Rosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I would  
  give him some good counsel, for he seems to have the 345 
  quotidian of love upon him.  


ORLANDO  I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell me  
  your remedy.  


ROSALIND  There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: he  
  taught me how to know a man in love; in which cage 350 
  of rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.  


ORLANDO  What were his marks?  


ROSALIND  A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye and  
  sunken, which you have not, an unquestionable  
  spirit, which you have not, a beard neglected, 355 
  which you have not; but I pardon you for that, for  
  simply your having in beard is a younger brother's  
  revenue: then your hose should be ungartered, your  
  bonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoe  
  untied and every thing about you demonstrating a 360 
  careless desolation; but you are no such man; you  
  are rather point-device in your accoutrements as  
  loving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.  


ORLANDO  Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.  


ROSALIND  Me believe it! you may as soon make her that you 365 
  love believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter to  
  do than to confess she does: that is one of the  
  points in the which women still give the lie to  
  their consciences. But, in good sooth, are you he  
  that hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalind 370 
  is so admired?  


ORLANDO  I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand of  
  Rosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.  


ROSALIND  But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?  


ORLANDO  Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much. 375 


ROSALIND  Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deserves  
  as well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: and  
  the reason why they are not so punished and cured  
  is, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippers  
  are in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel. 380 


ORLANDO  Did you ever cure any so?  


ROSALIND  Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine me  
  his love, his mistress; and I set him every day to  
  woo me: at which time would I, being but a moonish  
  youth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longing 385 
  and liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow,  
  inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for every  
  passion something and for no passion truly any  
  thing, as boys and women are for the most part  
  cattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathe 390 
  him; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weep  
  for him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitor  
  from his mad humour of love to a living humour of  
  madness; which was, to forswear the full stream of  
  the world, and to live in a nook merely monastic. 395 
  And thus I cured him; and this way will I take upon  
  me to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep's  
  heart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.  


ORLANDO  I would not be cured, youth.  


ROSALIND  I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalind 400 
  and come every day to my cote and woo me.  


ORLANDO  Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell me  
  where it is.  


ROSALIND  Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the way  
  you shall tell me where in the forest you live. 405 
  Will you go?  


ORLANDO  With all my heart, good youth.  


ROSALIND  Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?  
  Exeunt 

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