When I opened the bag,
hit me. They smell exactly the way they look.
Andes Mocha Mint Indulgence, if that’s what they’re calling
themselves, are pictured on the label as a kind of light caramel color.
They look and smell slightly burnt, like weak diner coffee with milk in
I admit it: I don’t drink coffee, so what do I know? I like
coffee-flavored candy. I like mint-flavored anything. But combining
them... well, I guess if mint and cherry can taste good together, mint and
coffee have a chance. Coffee tastes kind of chocolatey, right? And mochas
are just coffee with chocolate?
I lifted one up. The underside was mint green, too light in the same
way that the top side was. The flavor is the same way: too light. I can
taste the mocha, and it has that sort of caramelly flavor that... it
tastes like the caramel Skittles, in fact. They both taste like someone in
the flavoring department took a shortcut. “Fuck it. I’ll just
pound some milk and sugar together."
The mint is harder to taste, which is funny because mint is such a
powerful flavor. The main flavor in these little - actually, pretty large,
larger than regular Andes - bricks is sugar, and that flavor doesn’t
come out until you chew them for a while. Then, maybe depending on which
side is against your tongue, there’s some hint of toasted coffee
flavor or of mint. If you concentrate really hard on the first sugary
flavor, you can kind of tell that there are hints of mint and mocha in
there. But they’re not very strong or much fun. The middle-taste of
fake mocha and milky mint is pretty good, although I’m not really
selling it with that description.
Let’s go to the bag, shall we? Apparently this is “a
decadent creamy blend of rich coffee flavor and refreshing mint.”
You know, the more of these I eat, the more sure I am that this is
actually a really weak version of the regular mint. Like, maybe the
flavorings are more expensive than the fillers, so they thought
they’d save money by watering it down and giving it a new name and
bag. I saw a bag of cherry-flavored ones in the store today - see? They
saved all their mint money with those ones.
They do have actual cherries in the ingredients, though, so I
can’t really say I’m convincing myself here. So many people
don’t even bother to put peppermint oil in mint stuff, or at least to spell it out
in the ingredients (I’m looking at you, mint M&ms! Also, candy
canes, for some reason!) that I’m basically talking myself into
thinking Andes are awesome. The ingredients have real cherries! And real
peppermint oil! Gosh, they’re swell.
Here’s what else is listed in the coffee mint ingredients: Sugar,
partially hydrogenated vegetable oils (palm kernel and palm), nonfat milk,
lactose, milk protein concentrate, cocoa powder, soy lecithin, natural and
artificial flavors, peppermint oil, colors added (yellow 5 lake, blue 1
I don’t know what lake is, but I always imagine a huge lake of
bright yellow paint when I read that. Or blue paint. Here’s my
point: milk! Three times in a row! This is what is in there: sugar, oil,
milk, miiiiilllllk, miii...lll...k.... cocoa POWDER, schmutz, weird stuff,
mint, weird stuff. Which is what my mouth tastes like now. Weird stuff.
Why can’t they replace some of that milk with coffee? Or chocolate?
Scoot that mint up the list a little? Okay, because then they
wouldn’t have a Limited Edition bag of crap to make themselves look
all fancy and, um, expand their brand... knowledge... or whatever.
Speaking of which, here is where else they went wrong:
“Enjoy this limited edition flavor anytime with friends and family
or keep them for yourself... when you want to enjoy a quiet moment of
pleasure.” If it’s a limited edition flavor, I can’t
enjoy it ANY TIME, right? I can enjoy it until it runs out. Always
assuming I can actually enjoy it, which sadly is not the case. I miss
regular Andes! Oh well - this is why I also bought a box of candy canes.