~ the moonbeam gestured towards textual input device and so, commence rambling, i did. ~

i realized tonight that i don't pay much attention to my dog anymore.

i am very rarely happy with no undercurrent of something other than content, something eating away at my brain tugging pulling ripping to shreds the bits of sanity i've managed to retain. my memories are generally mediocre, where sweet or redeeming is concerned, and i've apparently accomplished very little in the nineteen years i've been wandering around the planet. (and yet, i'm quite sure i have managed to do more than a lot of little humans might have, i've just nothing of substance to show for it. but then, i never was one for substance.)

i don't know where i'm going, have only vague ideas, possibilities. and yet, i've not reached desolation, there is no want to leave an overwhelmingly morose world. i am not sad. i am nothing and everything and whatever might be secured, or floating loosely between the two. in a single day, my emotional range stretches, fluxuates from deeply depressed, to elated, to what seems like it might be the definitive nothing in the universe. emptiness. i even feel empty, from time to time.

i have so much to be thrilled about, but i find myself wondering and not infrequently, if i'll ever be completely satisfied for more than brief moments at a time, with things, and stuff. is anyone ever really happy? ever? do you ever wonder if you were born in the wrong country by an achingly horrible twist of fate? how about the wrong universe? not me, i think i was meant to be exactly where i am.. i'm just not sure why yet.

she shook her head and looked up at the cloudy night sky,
somehow still visible in this late hour. and then,
she expressed frustration with life in general. spoon.

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